Perpetual Reflection

December 3 – Moment

2011-01-11T23:51:00.002-05:00

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Most times, I live outside my body. I focus too much on textures, smells, voices, noises, colors. I’m self diagnosed ADHD, as most times I have trouble truly focusing on one thing and instead take in little bits of everything else.

I find myself drifting in and out of conversations because of the distracting world around me; I really am interested in what you say, but I can’t help but analyze your body language and non-verbal communication. I smell the perfume or cologne you’re wearing or notice how a particular color, pattern, or fabric lays upon you.

Sometimes I love that I do it, but other times it really is quite the burden.

But the first time I read this prompt, I thought of one particular moment; I felt so alive and in the moment---so much so that I don’t recall anything else that happened around me.

I was in a bar with some friends. It’s a loud and rowdy karaoke hole-in-the-wall—my favorite. It’s always bustling with activity and swimming with drunken renditions of Journey and boyband songs.

That one night, I ran into a friend, one I hadn’t talked to in months. It made me sad as we were very close, and then we simply fell apart. I’m still not sure what happened. When I noticed him, it was all I could focus on—it felt weird not wrapping him in a giant hug and exchanging jokes and funny anecdotes. It felt unnatural to treat him like a stranger. But, still healing from the pain of the separation we’d had, I didn’t know what else to do.

Right before he left that night, he came up to me. We hugged. And there in the middle of the bar, locked in embrace, he apologized. He genuinely apologized. He told me how bad he had felt, especially for the pain it had caused me. How he missed having me as a friend.

At that moment, everything came together. Every ounce of me focused on that moment, savored each ticking second. The karaoke, the drunken laughter, the crowds of people shuffling by us—everything faded. I existed right then, and only then, and only in those inches of space between his voice and my ear. The heart deep inside of me that had been struggling to breathe the past few months finally inhaled its first, fresh, sweet breath. I had my friend back, and I never wanted to let go; I was so afraid I’d lose him again.

As he left, I simply stood there alone, wiping away the tears, still lost in a lull of emotion. It wasn’t until someone from a nearby table spoke my name. And to this day, I still remember being startled; I picked my head up and looked around and for a brief moment, I had forgotten where I was, forgotten the bar I had known so well. Everything suddenly felt strange and foreign.

After a split second to get my bearings, life continued on. The karaoke tunes flooded back in, the drunken rowdiness continued. Life was just the way it had left off—except the hole in my heart had been filled.

It was a good feeling.

December 2 – Writing

2010-12-21T21:48:00.002-05:00

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Writing is and always has been a hobby of mine, although I realized the other day that I haven’t written in quite some time. I really should be writing every day, just to practice my skills, write down my observations and thoughts.

Overall, it helps me think and process my life. I find it’s easier for me to communicate through writing than through verbal. So why don’t I write every day?

Well, there really should be no excuse (although there are some, of course. ) I think the biggest reason is I save writing until the very end of the day; I need a quiet, comfortable space to write and my bed just before I fall asleep is the prime place. But, by the time I arrive at my destination, I don’t WANT to make my brain function anymore. I just want to veg out and sleep.

Even when I do have good intentions to write, the minute I fire up the computer my ADHD rages. I Facebook. I tweet. I Stumble. I add to half written To-Do lists, I browse through Netflix suggestions, check e-mail, and listen to music. I do everything BUT write.

I need to unplug. Even if I could make a resolution to shut out everything in internetland for 10, maybe 15 minutes and just write, I can only imagine what I could conjure up.

This year, I will force myself to write more. I make a promise to write more, on or offline, even if it is simple observations from the day. I have to remind myself that every piece of writing doesn’t have to be perfect or a masterpiece or incredibly complex; They could be fragmented thoughts, broken sentences, even just words—as long as I simply write SOMETHING each day.

Unplug the computer and boot up the brain and write, write, write.

December 1 – One Word.

2010-12-21T00:45:00.003-05:00

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

Word for 2010: Perpetual.

Similar to the title of this blog (please don’t deduct points for lack of creativity, I have a point…promise) 2010 was always moving. Always changing. Moving, whether you’re leading the pack, riding the bull, or trailing behind, hanging on for dear life. 2010 has been about moving forward, whether you’re ready to or not.

I kept my heels out the whole way, tried to slow down this incredible roller coaster of a ride I was on, but nothing worked---College came to an end. I graduated.

Quick, take a breath—First apartment.

Are you still with me?—First real, full fledged, 9-5, salaried, with benefits, ADULT JOB.

Don’t fall off, now—first adult paycheck. ChaChing.

Quick, duck---first loan payment.

Ups, downs, life turned left, right, jarring at every corner. Still, It was a rush. I don’t think I’ve fully comprehended it just yet, to be honest.

2010 was about perpetual goals and perpetual problems. Some of them I reached, some of them I confronted. I failed on some and hid from others. It’s a never ending game but so far—I’m still in it to win it.

Every year kind of ends the same for me. I always envision December 31st as the finish line, and I always picture myself striding towards the finish line, confidently in first place with a big smile on my face. And yet, at the end of every year, I feel like one of the last ones, trailing behind the pack struggling to hold on and just finish.

2010 won’t be any different. But this time, I at least feel like I’m in the middle. I’m not winning, but I’m not losing. And the finish line isn’t quite the finish line this year, although it seems like it for many things. No, this year its simply the half way point.

I’m in the middle of so many things, both good and bad, that they won’t be completed when 2010 gains a +1. But, a new year doesn’t always mean a new you, it just means a new chance to change and refine. And it’s what I’ll keep on doing.

Perpetual love. Perpetual memories. Perpetual flux. Ceaseless. Unbroken, running, uninterrupted, unremitting. For better or for worse, I’m still moving—right on into 2011.

Word for 2011: Color

The past year, I’ve felt like I’m dreaming in black and white. My life is a simple line drawing; it exists. It functions. But it’s a mere frame of what could be a masterpiece. It is the beginning building block. It lacks life. Depth. Perspective. Accents and shadows. Don’t get me wrong, I’m getting there. I’m piecing my heart, mind and soul back together from the damage of the past. Goal for this year? Fill that line drawing with glorious, exhilarating, and fulfilling color.

Despite my fragmented writing (it’s a little late at night), I thought quite a bit about this one. This post will define how I want my 2011 to be moving forward. I’m all about outlines and structures, so I spent quite some time thinking about it. And, since I’m a graphic designer, I broke it down for you based on color spectrum.

Dear Self,

Red—Red stands for passion, love. Discover what you’re passionate about—and pursue it. You’ve started already with voice lessons, but go further. Feel love again; really, really feel it. You’ve closed most of your heart down in survival mode to save it from damage. But you’ve got to learn to open it up again. Love others around you, love what you do, and most importantly—love yourself.

Green—natural, health, environmental. Nature has always been special, a quiet sanctuary of thought and inspiration. I think its why you enjoy hunting so much, the hours in the woods with just yourself and your thoughts. Get back in touch with that. Experience more sunsets. More sunrises. Climb mountains and touch the clouds. Spend an afternoon at the dock. Go swimming in the ocean, Feel the wind, the rain, the sun. Green is also health; take care of your health. Take vitamins, get enough sleep, drink more water, easy on the soda and sweets, and for Christ sake get your butt back to the gym, young lady.

Blue—Security, Space, Trust. I need to learn to feel safe. Sounds strange, but sometimes my body and mind feel like they’re constantly on defense mode, even when there’s no reason to be. I need to feel secure in my own heart, my own mind, and my own body.

Cyan—emotional healing, serenity/peace. This is an important one, especially for the coming year. 2010 was a turbulent one emotion wise, and unfortunately it won’t get any better in the next few months. Life isn’t always rainbows and ponies—its knowing you’re going to get a few scars and just having the Neosporin ready. As the year progresses, heal and finally find yourself in a better emotional state. One day you’ll take a deep breath, smile, and finally feel at peace with everything around you.

Magenta—energetic, strong, artistic. Put energy and fun back into you life. Never forget that underneath the 9-5, health insurance, Flexible spending account, 401k, and student loans, I’m still a kid. Eat ice cream once in awhile. Stay up late. Blow bubbles in your milk. Don’t step on the cracks in the sidewalk. Sing your heart out to every Backstreet Boy and NSYNC song you hear. Dance—in your PJs. Spend a Saturday watching cartoons. Put that little kid in your briefcase and take it to work with you—every single day.

Yellow—cheer, friendship. Frankly, smile more. Laugh. Laugh until you cry. Help others until your heart bursts with overwhelming joy and happiness—and then continue to help some more. Reach out to strangers. Rekindle lost friendships, strengthen current ones, and if you have to, sever destructive ones. You’ll find your support system.

K—Black (absence of color)—Look deep inside yourself, constant internal examination and reflection. Remove everything and simply—be. Focus. Remember where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. Put life in perspective. Realize how far you’ve come and how far you’ve still to go and evaluate your progress. Keep the internal fire going.

In 2011, I want to give color to me. I want to inspire. I want to help others paint their masterpiece. I want t leave my mark, how ever elaborate or simple, on every person, place or thing I come across. More importantly, I want to give shape to my own life. Beautiful, rich, colorful shape.

How will you leave your mark? How will you put color into your life?

Reverb 10

2010-12-20T23:57:00.004-05:00

Awaken the blog back from the dead. The social media ninja is brushing off her tools.
The blog's been collecting dust lately.

If you haven't heard, there's this awesome website called Reverb 10 Basically, it helps you examine the previous year and reflect upon it with one thought provoking prompt every day through December. As it's December 20, I'm a little behind. Nonetheless, I looked over the prompts and they really got me thinking about the past year and I figured I'd give it a try. If nothing less, I could look back at my answers in a year (probably when I blog again haha) and see if I made any changes or if I was able to accomplish any of the goals I wanted to in 2011.

Mind you, the posts will be slightly scattered as I meander through the holidays. Regardless, I WILL have all of them answered and posted--at some point in time.

Well, here we go...

I once was lost, but now I am found

2010-05-05T10:41:00.001-04:00

So, in case you haven't noticed, I've been a little MIA. I'm a little mad at myself because as a marketing major, I REALLY know the importance of keeping an up to date blog. But, I'm also a senior double major in college who keeps a job and does extra curricular activities...so....

yeah, I know. still no excuse.

But, with things almost winding down, I'm going to try and post more, and I'll be sure to post more frequently as I cross the higher education threshold into the "real world". Time to see what the buzz is really all about, eh?

Anyways, thanks for holding out for me during that, ahem, brief intermission and stay tuned for more posts!

DONE!

2010-04-30T17:22:00.002-04:00

I've thought about this day for many years, but couldn't really fathom what it would actually be like....I'm done with college.

Furthermore, I'm done with SCHOOL. Holy moly. Part of me says, "do you actually know how to DO anything other than school? It's what you've been doing for the past, I don't know, 18 years or so?"

But then, my little adult voice scolds, "why yes, of course I do. Im earning two degrees, have a brain full of knowledge and 4 years at a wonderful college that prepared me for the real world."

Watch out world, here I come!

It was actually a really great way to end my college career. My last final was for my Marketing Management class, probably one of the harder classes I've taken at Champlain. At the beginning of the semester, we had 4 clients. Right off the bat, we wrote proposals as to which clients we wanted to work with, and then we were off to the races! The rules were simple: Here's your client. Figure out what they need...and do it. Present your work at the end of the semester. The end.

A pretty daunting task, but a realistic one. This is what it would be like on the other side of the higher education fence. Here's a client. do your stuff. repeat.

All semester, a group of students and I worked with Governor's Institute of Vermont to increase their enrollment in their summer institutes. We created the "GIV It A Try!" campaign, a youthful, fun and fresh campaign targeted at high school teens. The campaign is simple--it encourages students to do just that--give it a try! It's not only about giving the institutes a try, but also trying new things, trying out your passion to see if it's what you want to study, and trying out the college life. Lots of trying going on there. Overall, I think it was a thoughtful, focused campaign and I can't wait to see the results of our hard work!

On top of that, Elaine announced the Social Media Ninjas for the semester. These students were the ones that consistently demonstrated their understanding of social media and executed their skills throughout the semester on their personal branding project. Well, the Social Media Ninjas are:

Corey Grenier and I! (In case you're wondering, I'm doing the improvised "hashtag" sign haha)

The Social Media Ninjas with their S.M. Sensei, Elaine

Watch out, world, here we come!

We were both really excited and it just topped off an amazing final, as we had just finished presenting our semester long work for GIV. (There we are repping the shirts we had made for the GIV It A Try campaign)

For our projects, we both worked on helping other people, but in two different ways. Corey runs a powerhouse blog that strives to empower women and educate the world on equality. She rocks posts about strong women, women in the media and companies that are doing it right...and companies that are doing it wrong and how to change it. She adopted the name Rosie the Marketer for her blog and has become so well known for her blog around campus that people have started referring to her as Rosie! She does an awesome job and I'm confident she'll use her social media ninja skills to do great things!

As for me, I worked over the semester on a blog I created called Hire This Grad. Using a Twitter hashtag that was created last year by our Professor, Elaine Young, I created this idea for a blog and a Twitter that featured upcoming graduating seniors. The idea behind the blog is simple--it tells you who these students are, why they rock, and why you should hire them. It's been a great success (you can read more about the success and metrics of the blog in one of the more recent posts) and I can't wait to see where it goes. So, be sure to check it out!

Now, all that's left are fun senior week activities such as bowling, a catered dinner, boat cruise, etc... and then...gasp....graduation! Im sure it'll be a surreal but extremely rewarding experience.

I'm so full of energy and excitement and relief, all I want to do is a happy dance!

The Little Engine That Could

2010-04-28T02:33:00.000-04:00

chug, chug, chug, chug...I'm almost there! Almost finished! It's the last push and I know I can do it!

Final finals!

2010-04-23T15:28:00.000-04:00

Well, school's over. Now it's just time for a week of exams and then I'm done with college! such a crazy thought, I can't even wrap my head around it. A quick celebration then it's time to get down to business!

And now for a brief intermission...

2009-03-05T20:35:00.002-05:00

Can't even think in sentences. Too tired. Will update about past 2 days....tomorrow. Right now...packing and sleep. Awake for around 21, 22 hours straight. Back to the states tomorrow.

What an awesome trip. Legit.

I.Love.Ireland.

The. End.

Ireland, Day 4

2009-03-03T20:31:00.002-05:00

Today was another weird sleeping schedule. I slept really soundly for the first couple of hours and then woke up in the middle of the night and spent the rest of the time tossing and turning, shifting in and out of consciousness.

We woke up a little late, and debated on what to do today. We had originally planned to head over to the Kilmainham jail, but we didn’t really have clear directions and it also involved taking a bus. Since we didn’t want to head out on our own/take a bus until we had some clear directions, we decided to change it up a bit and visit Dublin Castle and St. Patrick’s Cathedral today instead of tomorrow, since they were only a fairly short hike away (and it was raining…poo.).

First up, Dublin Castle. It’s situated right in Dublin center, and if you weren’t looking for it you probably wouldn’t even know it was there. Most of the actual “castle” exterior isn’t there, as most of it was destroyed in a fire in the 1800’s. (learned that on the tour!). But, there is still one part of the original castle still standing which you can see as you first walk in. After the fire, government buildings were constructed in place of where the original castle.

We decided to pay for the tour, so we walked around inside for around an hour, getting to visit the various government rooms. They’re all very lavishly decorated, with gold leaf and intricate stucco on the ceilings. And, they have some STUNNING chandeliers. We even got to see the original throne, and learned that most of the Tudors series is actually filmed right in that building. I’m going to have to rent one of the seasons from Blockbuster and see haha.

After we toured the more “modern” government building, the tour guide took us outside and across the court yard and led us down underground. There we were able to see some original parts of the castle that were found and preserved during the excavation. It was really neat to see the original walls of the castle, and to learn some of the tricks of the trade on how and why things were constructed. For example, we got to see an original stone staircase that used to lead down into one of the rivers/canals. Small boats used to bring supplies from larger ships to the back of the castle on this waterway, and the stairs led from the waterway into the castle. They were pretty narrow, and the guide explained that they were designed that way as a defense system. With narrow stairways, only one person could use them at a time and it discouraged a large group from attacking the castle via the stairway.

When we finished there the tourguide took us deeper down and showed us part of the original river that used to run near the castle and actually still runs through most of Dublin, even though most of Dublin has been built on top of it, hiding it from view. Apparently most people that live in Dublin don’t even know it exists.

It was cool to learn some of the back history of Ireland and to even learn how Dublin got it’s name. I’d explain it, but it’s kind of a long story and if you really want to know, you should just Google it. ☺

When we finished there, we zipped up our raincoats, put away our cameras, and started on the hike across town to head over to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. On the way we stumbled upon a cute little café called the Sunrise Café tucked away in a small alleyway. Since we were both pretty soaked by then and hungry, we decided to stop and have some lunch and a hot beverage. It was delicious! I had an oriental chicken wrap with a hot chocolate and Amanda had a Chicken/tomato/pesto/mozzarella sandwich. It was a nice break from the rain, and I was a little sad to have to go back out into the rain.

We walked across town and finally made it to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. It was beautiful. Growing up Catholic, I’d heard about the Cathedral and had always wanted to see it, even though I really don’t practice any more. Inside was amazing, with intricate stained glass windows, very old church relics, and an elaborate altar. It just had this very peaceful feeling about it, and it was a great time to just walk around, read about the history, and just take a few minutes for inner meditation.
I think the absolute best part, though, was when some of the choirboys started to practice right before we left. I am in LOVE with acapella music and large choir vocals. If you’ve never heard anything like that, especially choirboys, I suggest you google it and listen to it. It’s nothing short of beautiful. I loved it, they sounded beautiful. I really didn’t want to leave, I wanted to sit there and listen to them for as long as I could, but it looked like they were beginning to close up and usher people out, so Amanda and I packed up and left.

When we arrived back at the apartment I took a much needed shower and we got read to head out for dinner. Amanda, Melinda, and I went out to this place called the Baggot Inn, famous for their burgers AND their super awesome bar tables that have draft taps RIGHT IN THEM! The tables have built in kegs of Carlsburg and Guiness in them, with little meters on them for when you use them. The one drawback is that you do have to have a credit card and be pre-authorized for 50 Euros, just in case you don’t pay. Luckily I had my debit card so I put that down on our account. The waiter brought us a dozen or so glasses, turned on the taps, and we were good to go! It was kind of cool being able to pour our own beer like that.

I have to say that I wasn’t really impressed with the burgers. Irish beef is definitely different from US beef (as I’d been warned) and I’m not really fan of it. The burger kind of tasted like meatloaf in a weird way. Any of you that know me know that I despise meatloaf. Buh. I ate about half of the burger and was basically done with it. But hey, the chips/fries were good! Haha

Our waiter was really nice and friendly and joked with us throughout the night, and the three of us just had a good time eating food, enjoying our drinks, and talking/laughing. Although, the one thing that did get us was the meter on the drafts. The whole time we thought we had found the jackpot for beer, as it it only took what looked like 1 Euro to fill a pint glass, compared to 4 or 5 Euros anywhere else in Dublin. We were amazed, how did more people not know about this? Haha, the joke was on us. Apparently, it was measuring “units”, not Euros. We ended up with a MUCH bigger bill than we thought, but it actually didn’t work out to be much more than 30 Euros for each person for dinner, dessert, and drinks. A little on the expensive side, but not too bad.

When we were finished, we headed back to the apartment to call it a night!

I’d upload photos to go along with this, but the Internet is being quite dodgy right now. If it’s more reliable tomorrow I’ll be sure to add some photos go along. Tomorrow’s agenda includes the Kilmainham jail possibly and the Guinness Factory, and then Thursday all three of us are taking the train to Cork to visit the Blarney castle and kiss the Blarney stone. Then, it’s back to the states on Friday ☹

It seems like time is passing so fast, and even though it feels like we just got here it’s almost time to leave. I’m sad, but I know I’ll be back to Ireland. I have to. There’s a feeling I got when I came here, a part of me felt like I was home in a sense. I think I can safely say, I love Ireland. <3

Ireland, Day 3

2009-03-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

Today was fun. Since Melinda had class most of the day, Amanda and I headed back to the shopping center that we visited the day before to do some souvenir shopping and to go back into the grocery store to do some typical marketing and retail analyzing. Yes, we’re nerds, we know it, we embrace it. I ended up picking up a handful of post cards and some souvenirs for my family and friends. We browsed in and out of the shops, checking out some of the typical clothing stores and popular European fashions as well as some of the more unique stores such as one that resembled Spencer’s with weird, one of a kind, and joke gifts. We even went in and checked out a “TK Maxx”. Yes, I spelled that right. It was just like a TJ Maxx, but I think the check out line was a little bit more sophisticated.

By the time we had finished walking around all 3 floors of the mall we had worked up quite an appetite, so we went back to the grocery store (in the mall) and ordered some sandwiches from the deli. It was strange because the area where we ordered actually made fresh pizzas to order, so we felt a little out of place asking for sandwiches as we weren’t even sure they MADE sandwiches. But, they did. We grabbed a drink and a bag of chips and headed back into the mall to find a place to sit down and eat our lunch.

Now, apparently the shopping centers in Ireland (or, at least this one) are slightly different from American malls in that they don’t really have a “food court”. They have many restaurants and other places to eat throughout the mall and there is seating outside and around those areas, but they’re designated only for those that purchase food there. I guess it makes sense, but makes it a little inconvenient for people like us who purchase food where there wasn’t any seating. We ended up finding like two stairs outside of what looked like a radio DJ booth? Or something in the mall and just sat down and ate our lunch. It was very strange.

By then Melinda had finished class and we met her down at the spot we had arranged before, and then we headed off to see a movie at Cineworld.

Let me tell you, this movie theater was nothing short of an experience itself. When you first walk in, you’re met with a large area to purchase tickets with lots of twisting and winding line maker….things. Unlike American theaters, groups need purchase tickets together in order to sit together, as there is assigned seating. Very, very different. We got in line and purchased our tickets together and then went over to base of the escalator (yes, escalator in the movie theater) and handed our tickets to a man standing there, who ripped them off and gave us entrance to the escalator. On the second and third floors there were a slew of concession stands ranging from typical movie concessions to even Ben and Jerry’s! The Podunk theaters we have back home didn’t even compare to this one, so I was pretty amazed. After we grabbed some popcorn ( which was still expensive, I paid 4.70 Euros, right around $6 US for a SMALL popcorn) we found our way to our screen. It was also weird because they had foyers outside of every couple of screens, and that’s where people had to wait before the movie. We had to sit there and watch a screen that had all the movies listed and wait for it to say “please take your seats” next to the movie title.

Inside was awesome, though. Large, large, LARGE screen with surround sound and amazingly comfortable seating. I want every movie theater to have these conditions! Plus, it felt extra good to be able to sit down after all that walking.

The movie was very funny (New In Town) and it was a nice relaxer after the long days of walking and weird sleeping schedules and whatnot. After the movie we walked down the street and went to the Hard Rock Café to grab drinks and appetizers, as we weren’t that hungry. The inside was very typical of a Hard Rock Café, minus the bathrooms with the typical European bathrooms. ☺

Our food was okay (not fabulous) and we enjoyed the new drinks that we tried. I gave Bulmers a shot, which is an Irish cider very similar to South Africa’s Savanna. I liked it, it was delicious. Melinda and Amanda ordered some mixed drinks after our first round, but I was happy with just getting a second Bulmers. By the time we finished it was a little late, so we headed back to the apt and decided to call it a night.

Ireland, Day 2

2009-03-02T04:22:00.008-05:00

Day two got off to a rough start. The original plan was to keep the previous night's activities to a minimum, go to bed at a reasonable hour, and wake up refreshed for the busy day ahead. Well, everything happened...except for the "wake up refreshed" part. We kept the evening low key, and ended up going to bed at around 12:30am local time. I fell asleep pretty quickly, but woke up a few hours later. I flipped on my ipod to see that it was only about 3:30am. It was downhill from there. I tried to go back to sleep multiple times, listened to music, got up and went to the bathroom, and just plain laid in bed, but nothing worked. For hours I just laid there, trying to desperately fall asleep. No such luck. At around 5:30am, I decided to get up and try and sleep on the couch, thinking maybe it was just the bed that was keeping me awake. Again, no such luck. Right around 7:30, I decided that it was no use trying to sleep, took a shower and got ready for the day---with 3 hours of sleep under my belt.

Around 8am Melinda and Amanda woke up and we all got ready to head out at 9am. We walked down the street to the train station and bought our tickets (2.30 Euro) to head up to Howth for the day. It was a nice half hour ride or so, but we got to see more of the countryside, more of what I think of when I think Ireland. It was nice to be out of the city for a bit and to see what other parts were like.

We soon arrived at Howth. It's a quaint little fishing town right on the ocean, with plenty of old style houses and fish businesses and eateries. We chose to go on Sunday especially because of the market they have in town, similar to a farmers market with lots of freshly baked goods and homemade handicrafts. People crowded the pier and moved from tent to tent, sampling homemade breads and soups or purchasing fresh fruit and vegetables. We ended up purchasing some delicious cheesy pull apart bread and an apple log bread, baked with fresh apples in the middle and topped with white icing. It was delicious! We even got some awesome cupcakes that one lady made. We browsed the homemade jewelry and scarfs, got cups of cappuccino//hot chocolate//chai lattes, and then walked further down the pier to get a better view of the city.

After browsing the market, we walked further into town to take "the hike". There are many cliffs that overlook the ocean and the town that you can hike on, so we climbed up the hills and got a great view of the town and the ocean. And, there are many old houses and cottages with cute exteriors and fences dotted along the path. I've decided that when I'm an old, old lady I want to retire to Ireland and live in an old cottage in the countryside, preferably near the ocean. It was so peaceful and serene there, that I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my days any place else.

During our hike we spent a great deal of time laughing and talking and taking pictures, even stopping for a bit to just sit down and look at the ocean and enjoy some of the bread we had just purchased. It was a fun afternoon of just enjoying what the country had to offer.

When we got back down into the city we followed a long path that goes out into the ocean to visit a lighthouse. It was a cute little lighthouse and fun to visit, even if we couldn't go inside. You could look out to the ocean a long ways and even get a nice panoramic view of Howth. At that point, our legs were very tired and sick of the wind (it had been blowing all day long) so we decided to visit one of the many pubs that lined the streets to sit down for a bit. After walking up and down a few of the city streets we found an awesome cemetary tucked up in the middle of the city, right near what looked like an abandoned and broken down stone church. We wandered through it for a few minutes, looking at the various graves and all the things people put on them. It was different from many American cemeteries that I've seen, as many of them had the headstone but also had the area in front of them sectioned off with a little tiny stone barrier. Many were filled with stones and had small monumental statues placed in them or some were turned into little flower beds. There was one especially that amazed me. It was filled with stones but then on top of the stones were hundreds of little pieces of colored glass. Right at the that time the sun had peeked out from behind the clouds and shone down onto the grave, and it illuminated each piece of glass. I loved it.

When we finished walking through the cemetary, we found a pub called the Cock Tavern. Being the immature people that we are, we giggled and decided to go in and sit down for a few. It was just what I had pretty much imagined an Irish pub to be. The interior was old wood, with a large bar and many wooden benches and tables lining the wall. There was a soccer/football match on the TVs and it was filled with old Irish men sitting around drinking pints of beer and laughing and talking. We filed into the back and found an empty booth area to sit in and then went and ordered a pint. Melinda recommended a local beer called Carlsberg. It was a lighter beer, similar to Bud lite or Heineken, but had a bit more flavor and bite. The first few sips were okay, but I didn't really enjoy the after taste of it. I only drank about half before I passed it on to Melinda to finish. It could have also been that we had just gotten in from walking all over the place, we hadn't really eaten that much all day and I was really, REALLY tired. But, I just wasn't feeling the beer right then.

At that point the lack of sleep had really caught up with me. I had been fine before because we had been outside and moving, but once we sat down in the warm pub, exhaustion swept over me and I found myself almost nodding off while sitting there. I knew we had to keep moving so I told the girls we really needed to go haha. They were almost finished anyways, so we left the pub and headed back down to the main street to find some food.

As we walked along the street, we looked at the many restaurants, cafes and other eateries to find a place to sit down and just have some appetizers. Many had the menus posted in the window, so we browsed over the menus and checked out the food and the prices. They were all pretty expensive, so as we got down closer to the train station we debated about just heading back. But, everyone was pretty hungry so we turned around and try a place Beshoff Brothers. It was basically a "fish n chips" take out joint. It reminded me of of beach boardwalk type style restaurants where there is no seating and the front part of the restaurant is open. You stepped in off the street and got in line, then stepped up to the counter and ordered your meal. Since I'm not a big fish fan, I opted for the chicken Goujons and chips, or rather chicken fingers and french fries. Once you ordered you slid down the line with your slip where your order was assembled and put into a take out box, at which point you could get salt and vinegar on your meal and order/pay for any other condiments you wanted like ketchup. Then, you stepped back outside.

The meal was actually really good. The chicken fingers were a little different from many I've tried in America. I don't even know how to describe them. They were just, different. haha. Also, the "chips" were different too, more towards the style of steak fries, but very yummy. We picked at our meal on the way back to the train station and then finished it while we were waiting for the train to arrive.

While we were waiting for the train, it had started to rain slightly, and a rainbow appeared right in front of us...both ends! It was pretty, and a great way to end the day. :)

Even though the train back to Dublin was crowded, we were all very tired. Melinda and I ended up falling asleep multiple times, both on each other's shoulders and other times just head bobbing in our seats. I was surprised I had made it even that far. We arrived back at the apartment exhausted beyond belief and decided to just call it an early night as we were all clearly too tired to even get cleaned up to go out. I ended up falling asleep on the floor for an hour right when we got back, and then after a quick snack and a little bit of Facebooking, we were all ready to call it a night. We were all in bed and asleep by 9pm. (4pm EST! lol). And now here I am, well rested after sleeping until 8:30am this morning, 11.5 hours later. It felt amazing, and it was much needed. I think I'm finally adjusted to the time change and we're ready to actually go out a few nights this week before we have to head back on Friday.

Since this isn't a vacation for Melinda, she still has to go to class. Luckily she only has classes M-W, with Thursday and Fridays off. So, this morning she had class at 9-10:30am (she just got back) and then again at 2pm. So, Amanda and I have just been relaxing, eating breakfast, and catching up on stuff until she got back, and now we're going to get dressed and head out to do a little souvenir shopping. Then, tonight when she gets out of class we're going to possibly head to the movie theaters, as we've heard that is an experience in itself!

Well, I should go get dressed and get ready to head out. Will post more later! Here are a couple photos from yesterday's adventures.

A view of Howth.

The light house.

Some of the hills/cliffs along the walk of Howth.

I'd post more pictures but the internet has decided it doesn't want to work any more. Maybe some more pictures later!

Dublin, Day 1 (2?) IDK, This time change thing...

2009-02-28T14:41:00.004-05:00

I am officially reporting LIVE from Dublin, Ireland. I'm officially here, it's no longer a dream or a passing phrase of "I'm going to Ireland..." It is now, " I'm IN Ireland."

Long day of travel yesterday. Amanda and her mom picked me up at 9:30am Friday morning and we headed up to Lebanon, NH to catch the bus down to Logan Airport. I was actually excited for the bus ride. The past few nights I haven't been sleeping very well, and the night before hadn't been any exception. But, never fail, I always seem to fall asleep in a moving vehicle. It was about 2.5 hours down to Logan, and after I watched about a 1/2 hour of the movie they were showing, I curled up across the two seats and fell asleep. After a good hour, hour and a half of sleeping I woke up and caught the last part of the movie, and shortly after that we arrived at Logan, right at terminal.

Because we were there so early, we were checked in and through security really fast...even if I did have to chug a huge vitamin water right before because I didn't drink that much of it on the bus. Oof. After that, we went and enjoyed a nice lunch because we had a few hours to kill, and then spent the rest of the time sitting in the rocking chairs near the large windows (how cute is THAT?!) and watching the planes come in and out.

Once we were on the plane, we knew it was just a waiting game before touching down in Ireland. But, the 6 hour flight felt like nothing compared to the 16 hour flight to South Africa we took in August. And, the food was pretty good for airline standards. I spent most of the flight taking little naps and watching the TV shows/music videos and the movie (Nights of Rodanthe, so GOOD) with the occasional ipod game.

We touched down in Dublin at around 12:30am EST, or 5:30am local time. We gathered our luggage, breezed through customs and met Melinda at the door.

It's a good thing she decided to meet us versus us trying to find the building. We needed to take a bus to reach the apartment complex, and not only is it extremely difficult to navigate in a city you've never been to, but the morning darkness made it even more difficult. On top of that, the bus that we took didn't stop where it was supposed to and actually took us one stop further. Glad Melinda was there to guide us or we probably would still be on the bus right now! haha

Once we got off the bus we had to walk for a little bit to reach the apartment complex, and on the way we ended up finding a few pint glasses sitting on the sidewalk. hehe, Ireland. love it. We dumped out the beer that was left in them and totally took the glasses. We figured we had been joking about stealing a Guiness pint glass from a pub...now we didn't have to!

I have to say, our plan to stay awake all day and fight the jet lag failed miserably. After we got settled in and spent some time catching up with Melinda and her roommates, it was about 8:30am local time or 3:30am EST. For two people who had spent the previous day/night barely sleeping, we were pretty tuckered out. And, Melinda still hadn't slept from the night before. So, the three of us decided to sleep for the next few hours to be able to function for the afternoon.

Amanda and I slept for about 6 hours, Melinda slept for a little bit less. When we all woke up it was around 3pm, and we decided to get dressed and head out into Dublin to walk around before the sun set and pick up some groceries for snacks and meals for the week.

Dublin is beautiful. Simply beautiful. I am in love with the old style buildings, the pubs that line every street, and the patches of cobblestone walkways. The people here are so upbeat, laughing and joking and singing with one another as they walk. When we got into the center of town there was a huge hustle and bustle, with shops galore and awesome musicians scattered along the walkway. It really felt like an Irish version of New York City in a way. I'm in love with the people, the atmosphere, the architecture--everything.

We even walked through an amazing park on our way to to the grocery store. The sun was shining, it was a nice 45 or so degrees out, and people were bustling around the park enjoying the nice weather, playing sports, and watching the swans in the pond. Ugh, simply gorgeous.

On our walking tour we stopped to cut through Trinity college. Its such a beautiful old style college, with cobble stone walkways and a large green. It was really quiet, but I love it. We stopped into the book store and the Long room, where the Book of Kells is on display. The Book of Kells is a manuscript written in Latin transcribed by Celtic monks in 800 a.d. The exhibit was about 8 Euro to visit, and as we stood there debating whether or not to spend the money, the man running it told us to just head on through as there were about 10 minutes until the exhibit closed. So, we got to see it for free! It was beautiful, displayed and illuminated under thick glass. Each page is extravagant, with lavishly hand decorated biblical text. And, we saw it for freeee!

Next we headed over to the shopping center to go to the market/grocery store. That is an experience in itself. I'm always amused by international packaging and stores, not only because I'm a marketing major but also because I just enjoy analyzing stores and food. Not only is everything measured in the metric system, but everything has weird names and packaging. Like bacon, for example. We've decided were going to cook meals a few times to save some money, and we wanted to make breakfast for dinner one night. So, I picked up some bacon, which is called Rashers. It doesn't even look like American bacon, it's thicker and wider. It looks like a slab of pork, basically haha. It's really interesting and fun, Amanda and I plan on going back and browsing around again to analyze it more as well as purchase some fun packaging to add to our South Africa international packaging collection.

It's also interesting that unlike American stores, one has to pay for plastic bags for groceries, but I guess its like that in most of the world, except for America. Typical. So, we bought our groceries and put them in our backpacks for the trek home. It was good too, they would have been really heavy to carry all that way in a plastic bag.

When we got back we made tacos for dinner, and then proceeded to trying to make brownies using the metric measuring system. It was even more complicated because Melinda doesn't own any measuring cups! It ended up with us pulling up a conversion chart that included fl. ounces//US equivelent// mL. So, when we needed 60mL, it equaled 2 fluid ounces. We ended up basing everything on a shot glass being 2 fl. ounces. We totally McGuyvered it and they came out delicious.

Now, we're just having a relaxing evening, eating brownies, catching up, and keeping it low key so we can head to bed at a decent hour tonight. Tomorrow we'll be up early to catch the train and head to Howth, where it will be a full day of hiking, touring, and checking out the apparently awesome market they have.

I'll leave you with a photo from the photobooth sesh Amanda and I had on the plane on the way here!

Preparations for another adventure abroad

2009-02-26T23:06:00.021-05:00

Well, it sure has been awhile since I updated. I've taken a bit of a break from online journals/ blogs and am kicking it old school with a pen and paper journal. It's been easier to work through some things and express my thoughts without the whole world reading them. But, I've really been wanting to update this more frequently so that people know I'm atleast still alive!

This year has been so incredibly epic, I'm still searching for the right words to express the true level of epicness. I can't believe everything that has happened over the past couple of months and the opportunities that have come my way, from South Africa, to working for the United Nations, to newspaper and radio interviews, to things in school like How I Learned to Drive, the Short Works Festival, Elevator Pitch competition, and so on. It's been extremely chaotic, but every moment has been worth it.

Traveling to South Africa was a pretty big life milestone for me. Come from a family that NEVER travels (anywhere!) ever, I couldn't even wrap my mind around this. If you don't count 1 or 2 day trips to Montreal, I had never left the country--ever. Every step in the process of traveling abroad was new to me--the passport application process, vaccinations, the long flight, the time diffrerence--it was really a life changing experience. I was afraid, I'm not going to lie. For someone who isn't keen to change, I was now being placed in a world COMPLETELY different than my own. That's some drastic change. But I knew I was going to be okay, I was with a group of 15 or so other Champlainers and a handful of adults who had abroad experience. It was a little bit of travel abroad coddling, I guess. But, through all the trouble that had incurred before the trip, I wouldn't have traded any of it. That experience opened my eyes to a brand new world--literally and figuratively. It introduced me to traveling; to seeing that other cultures, other worlds, other lands, existed. It's one of those things that you always subconciously know but don't fully realize until you're submersed in it.

It showed me just how little of the world I had truly seen, showed me what I was missing. Haha, it kind of felt like the end of Men In Black II. I had lived 21 years of my life fine with the world I was in, looking at the rest of the world only when I opened the locker. But suddenly, one day, someone showed me that I was simply a speck in a larger locker. There was a larger, new world to explore. It put my life and my little world in perspective.

Six months ago, I never thought of myself as owning a passport. Now, I can't imagine living life without it.

Tomorrow I embark on a journey to Ireland for spring break with Amanda. Before I even realized what had happened a few months ago, Amanda and I had purchased airline tickets. That's it, simply found and purchased the tickets. There wasn't any long process of begging or even really asking our parents. We had talked about it for a few months, looked at prices, and I worked 3 jobs this year to earn enough money for the ticket and for spending money. But it was still a dream to me. I wasn't sure if I ever saw it truly happening. Then one weekend we found a deal and we just....did it. We bought them. We planned out our transportation. Purchased bus tickets. Created an itinerary. Just like that, we were headed to Ireland.

As weird as it sounds, it really showed me I was growing up. I made the decision to traipse around a foreign country with my roommate by ourselves and didnt even think to ask my dad. I had told him about it, but I never asked. I made the decision on my own. I had always clung to my dad as a way of prolonging adulthood. If I kept asking, kept constantly looking to him to make decisions and take control of things, then I didn't have to label myself as that dreaded word..."adult." I'm not saying I'm going to go out and purchase a pant suit and start watching CNN religiously now. I still enjoy a nice pair of jeans and you'll almost always see Family Guy on our TV. But being able make these decisions on my own without being afraid made me realize that while I don't see myself as an "adult" just yet, I'm ready to start working my way there. I'll always still look to my dad for advice and guidance. He's my dad. But I'm ready to take control.

So tomorrow, we begin our journey. We'll take a bus from Hanover, NH to Logan International Airport and then fly non stop Aerlingus to Dublin, Ireland. Don't get me wrong, I'm still nervous. This is similar to traveling to South Africa, but the safety nets have been removed. No adults to handle problems. Juggle Money. Make decisions. It's just us. Am I afraid that something will go wrong? yes. Is this out of my comfort zone? heck yes. Do I think I'll regret the trip? Not one bit. I think I can do it. In fact, (dare I say it?) I know I can do it.

The excitement and anxiety are creating a magical feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think this will be a life experience for me, as well as an awesome spring break. I keep reminding myself how much this means to me deep in my heart, it's my heritage and something I've really wanted to do since I was little--I just never saw myself actually being able to do it.

But, here I am. Less than 24 hours away from Dublin. If you had told me back in high school I would have done this, I would have laughed in your face. And look at me now. Wow. It's still shocking to me. It probably still will be until we touch down in Dublin.

There are nights when I lay awake and think about Africa. I can still picture the sights. I remember the smell of the rain. The harmonious voices echoing from the churches throughout the townships still ring out in my ears. It's astounding to me just how vivid the memories still are more than 6 months later. I hope that this trip will resinate just as soundly.

I plan on spending most of the travel time tomorrow writing in my paper journal, reflecting on thoughts and catching up on some of the stuff I've wanted to write about for the past few months. It's revitalizing, a spiritual, emotional, and mental cleansing. But, because I know I'll have reliable internet, I also hope to update my blog throughout the trip, along with posting a few pictures if I'm able.

So, check back soon! For now, it's time for me to sleep and rest up for the long journey before me. Bon Voyage!

If Walls Could Talk...

2009-01-17T01:13:00.004-05:00

As the first week of classes comes to a close, I realized tonight just necessary it was to perform some "lite" house cleaning. I couldn't function in the jumbled mess of writing utensils, books, papers, bills, and odds and ends scattered on my desk and practically was killing myself every night trying to exit and enter my room across, over, and under the hurdle of clothes and piles of stuff. So, I avoided the cold and called out sick to the typical Friday night shenanigans, spending an evening inside and closed off in my room to re-coordinate my life.

And even though the utter chaos that was my room could have thrown anyone's Chi off balance ( more like off a cliff, if you ask me) I realized that it represented a great deal about me, each and every little part of it. Every tiny detail has a purpose, represents a small piece of me.

I'm the fairytale inspired framed art above my doorway; In the back of my naive little mind I believe that everyone should get to experience a fairytale, and I secretly wait for that moment.

Look in my book case and you'll not only find leisure books I've held on to for years in hopes to one day have the free time to read them, but old magazines that I've liked, high school yearbooks, and even an empty space for middle school yearbooks that I lent out last summer (and still need to get back!). Check out the bottom shelf, those binders there with class names scribbled out on the spine? Those are filled with dumb awards I won in middle school for things that would muster a chuckle out of any employer nowadays should I add it on my resume. There's hand drawn pictures from friends, old newspaper clippings, a Spanish poem I memorized for a contest, some old report cards, band and theater programs from concerts and shows over the years....I especially liked the $20 gift certificate to a book store that doesn't even exist any more. Some of my favorites are also the copies of old monologues I've had to memorize, the first place ribbon for the 2001 science fair, a school picture of a friend, and an itinerary/rooming assignment for a school funded NYC trip. Of course they're not all good...newspaper clippings from tragic events or deaths, reminders of traumatic times I've been through and family struggles, and personal loss; but they're things to be remembered for better or for worse.

Should you choose to leaf through the other binders, you'll find amateur photography from my B&W photo class, and others filled with writing samples from middle and high school, with random scribbled papers that have been shoved in the front and back pockets over the years.

Right next to those, you'll find what I'm most notorious for...little bags of the past. In 2 zip locked bags shoved in the corner you'll find little nic nacs I've acquired throughout my travels over the years. Why I save some of these things, I still don't have a good answer. Dig through everything and you'll find broadway ticket stubs, subway passes, brochures from places I visited and brochures from places I wanted to visit. There are plane tickets and bus vouchers, a cool drink stirrer, post cards, a napkin from Carnagie Deli (unused of course), city maps, museum entrance coupons, and even a menu from a restaurant. And these are really only the start. Search around and you'll probably find a few more bags of stuff tucked away under my bed with the same random and usless but just as meaningful stuff.

I know many, if not most of the items are probably just taking up space, but I can't seem to part with them. Trust me, I've tried multiple times. Sometimes I'll use the excuse that one day I'll put them into a scrapbook to save. And I probably will...when I'm bored in a nursing home during retirement. Part of me keeps these things around to make sure I never forget. Even years later, every piece I touch, every old piece of writing I read over or every picture I view, the memories bubble up from the depths of memory storage and I get to experience them again.

Take a look at my shelf. Although at first glance, a very random assortment of toys and pictures and cards. But examine everything closely and you'll discover that it might as well be an avant garde representation of my heart. Pictures with some of the best friends I've ever had. A stuffed animal given to me before I left Lyndon from Kelley. A snowglobe with a picture of Jaimie and I. A piece of South African money, a 20 rand bill. Then, tucked in the back are cards I've received from my dad for my birthday and in the spirit packs. They're the reason I love getting the spirit packs, just for the notes. They're always filled with words of love and encouragement, words that aren't usually ever spoken to me. Just little reminders that they're really there, even if only in writing.

I'm everything in these four purple walls. I'm the framed piano photos and random GD pieces tacked to the walls. I'm the stack of baby and childhood photos sitting on my desk of my brother and I and the extensive stash of highlighters piled in the corner of the desk drawer, collected from years of stocking stuffers. I'm the piece of paper from a desktop daily calendar for left handers, ripped out and taped to the wall. God damn it, I'm even the two Blockbuster name tags pinned into my curtains so I don't lose them.

But I think the thing I like the most, is the special little bag I have hidden deep within my room, filled with little notes I've acquired over the years. There are ones on pretty paper and computer paper, and some are even scrawled on lined paper ripped from note books. Some are neatly folded, and some are slightly crumpled. But, each one is always folded back into the way it was originally given to me. Some even still have the original envelope. They're notes from friends, past and present. They're copies of notes I've written to friends or ex-crushes, and ones I've received in return. They are filled with words of encouragement, words of love, words of inspiration. Some of them make me cry, but all of them make me smile and happy inside. They remind me of the amazing people I've had the pleasure of knowing and I'm so lucky to have had them in my life at one point or another.

It's weird sitting here and thinking about how far I've come and how far I have to go; to think about the places I've been, the things I've seen, the experiences I've experienced; to think back over all the things that have happened to me, good and bad. All of these little nic nacs and clippings and saved momentos have all been a part of one event, person, place, thing, experience, or feeling that has shaped me into who I am today. They represent what I cherish, what I've been through, my passions, my hobbies, my strengths, my weaknesses and the people I hold closest to my heart.

So, for better or for worse, I am these momentos. I'm the art on the wall, the collection of assorted souvenirs, the pink and purple tacks on the wall. I'm the random stacks of old photos shoved inbetween books I'll probably never read and hidden in the pages of my journal. I'm the glass full of Coke caps I need to enter for reward points. I'm the handwritten notes, the binders of writing, the sketchbooks full of horrible drawing attempts and verses of poems and lyrics that never made it further than as a random piece of thought. I'm the north wall, the south wall, and everything in between.

Sappy? Most definitely. Pack Rat-ty? For Sure. Sentimental? Of Course.

But, for better or for worse, this chaotic, ecclectic, jumbled, sentimental, disorganized but meaningful mess is.....me.

In like a lamb, out like a lion.

2008-12-31T23:39:00.004-05:00

Well. I know one thing, it's definitely been a long time since I've updated. It's bad of me, I know, and I tell myself all the time I'm going to update again more frequently. But, you can see how far that's gotten me.

Tonight's blog title explains my new year. It's been a low key night, here by myself, watching TV and kicking back in my dad's recliner. At first I was a little bummed that I wasn't down on Church St. braving the cold and wind to hustle and bustle with the best of them, but the peace and quiet has been welcoming tonight, a nice change from all the rest of 2008. So, I've decided that I'll ring in 2009 like a lamb, here and quiet by myself, just reflecting on the past year.

It's been quite a whirlwind. As per usual, I can't remember much of the beginning. I rang in my 21st birthday this year, which also coincided with the Super Bowl. None the less, I spent my 21st birthday right in my second home, the theater. I had rehearsal for the Short Works Festival until 10pm that night, and then I crossed the street and cracked open my first legal beer with Laura in the neighborhood favorite bar, Mckees. Little did I know that this would become the home of many great hangouts, and long, serious conversations with friends, and of course, the first place to start off our Halloween celebration.

Most of the first months of 2008 were consumed with school, work, and extra curriculars of course. Some of my favorite memories include the Mox-Off 2008 with some Phoneathon favorites, Spring Meltdown, and watching the sunset down by the water front.

April brought about the end of school, and another first for me--my first year staying in Burlington for the summer. It was a change, but I knew it was necessary--not only for school and internships, but also mentally. It had been time for me to start breaking off from the homestead, and this was a good transition. It was a summer of internships, working at Blockbuster (which, secretly, has been a job I've wanted since I was a kid haha), and being able to roam about on my own, experience a legendary "Burlington Summer". If for nothing else, I loved it for the scenery. Burlington is beautiful, no matter what season you view it in.

The end of the summer brought about many, many changes, and a true experience I'll never forget for better or for worse. This was the beginning of the United Nations Project and a once in a lifetime opportunity to visit South Africa. For someone who had never been abroad in her life (save Canada, if that counts I guess.) this was such an amazing opportunity that I couldn't have been more thankful for. Little did I know, it was going to mean fighting with Residential Life about keeping my RA position, which ultimately did not happen. It meant changing my life around for this project, losing monies I would have received, and moving out of an apartment I had just lived in for the past 4 months or so. For someone who doesn't favor drastic change, this was a hard experience for me, but it was probably necessary. It taught me to never give up in what I believe in, to listen to my heart. My head told me to bow out and to keep what I already had, my heart told me to take this incredible opportunity.

...And it changed my life.

The fall brought new roommates, new living situations, new friends, new faces, new classes. The leaves proved for good photography, and taking my brother's senior portraits truly made it apparent that he's growing up from the exuberant, laughing, bouncy blonde haired little boy that I'd seen him as all along. Yet, it made me appreciate him even more.

Halloween made an appearance, filled with costumes and guest lecturing and friendly get-togethers. Soon the leaves fell and so did the snow, bringing along with it Thanksgiving and other related festivities. Christmas was small, but its one of the few times all 3 of us are together, and its something I cherish. And now, here I sit as the new year silently rolls in, with nothing but the sounds of Robin Spielberg's piano music to accompany me as I write this. I welcome it.

Wow, there were so many things I wanted to write here that I thought about prior to starting this. I had thought that save Africa, 2008 had been a pretty rough year with many tears and family drama. But on second glance, although it's been hard, each experience has helped me grow exponentially. Every tear cried is another layer of thicker skin, I guess. I've realized that my family really can survive just about anything. We've been through so much, and every time there's problems I fear the worst and wait for the day that it will completely shatter everything we've got. And yet, the day has never come *knock on wood*. We've gotten through it, worked through it. We've always survived.

And through everything, I've survived. There were times I thought I was down for the count, and wasn't sure how I was going to be able to hold on to what little sanity I had. And yet, here I am, still holding on to that same bit of sanity. Atleast, I think so, haha. Every year past has brought on more and more things to break me down, and I've survived. It really gives me hope for the future that I'll be fully prepared to shoot out of the college gates into life.

But the best thing about 2008 are the people that have come into my life or stayed with me in my life. I know most people say what they're Thankful for at Thanksgiving and such, but as the new year settles in, I want to remember what I'm most thankful for and hope that it all carries over into the new year.

First, there are the people who have always been in my life...my family. They've been my rock. They're the ones I call and bitch about my life to, the ones I call when I'm having a mental breakdown and in tears from stress. There have been times that I thought I'd lost them, and they've caused me great stress, but they've brought me great happiness, which is something I wouldn't trade for the world.

Second, there are these friends that have been in my life, and no matter what I do, they just don't ever want to seem to leave! They make me laugh, they make me smile, they keep my spirits up. They're amazing, to say the least. Some of them I don't get to see as nearly as much as I'd like, but no matter what, we always kind a way to keep in touch, from a facebook message, to an im, to a text message. I love them more than words can say. And of course, there's my other 2/3, the other two Sherry's. Together, we make Sherry Cubed. And I don't think I could survive without them. Really.

But even though I'll always owe my life to my family and my friends, there's a certain group of friends I'm especially thankful for this year--these special boys that live down the hall. In just a matter of months, their apartment has become my second home (although technically it really WAS my second home, cuz I definitely lived in that apartment haha) and I've experienced many hours of entertainment from movies, to video games to general shenanigans. But most of all, they've been there for me, more than any guy friend I've ever had. When they first said they were going to come to my fall show, I was skeptical. But they were persistent and excited about it. As much as I wanted to be excited, I didn't think they'd be there. But when I looked out that night, there they were. Just for me. I felt so incredibly special, I'd never had guy friends not only come out to a show, but also be excited about it. To want to come. Ever. It was then that I knew these boys really, truly wanted to be friends. These boys have been there for me, supported me, come to my shows, been my shoulder to cry on. They've been awesome sledding partners, movie watchers, and conversationalists ; They even pushed my car down 5 flights in the parking garage to the tow truck when it was dead and picked me up from work when I was carless. I've never had guy friends that have put in just as much effort into a friendship...ever. They've become like my brothers and sometimes I tend to pull out the "mama hen" on them, but it's only because I care about them so much. I'm so honored to say that I'm friends with them, and I can't wait for the many more adventures that await in the coming months. I guess what I want to say is... thanks. You guys are nothing short of amazing. <3

And then there are those that I've slightly lost touch with, the friends I hope to spend more time with who I've drifted apart from, and those that are just blossoming. I know sometimes that school and work and other such obligations can consume a great portion of your time (I'm probably the guiltiest!) and sometimes we just don't have as much time for hanging out as possible. But, nonetheless, I haven't forgotten about any of you. I really hope to be able to spend more time with all of you, especially those that are graduating in the Spring.

Love you guys. ALL of you.

2008 has been a roller coaster of a ride, with plenty of thrills and chills. My heart has cried, broken, healed, and rejuvinated. I've learned more about myself and others around me, grown closer to some and drifted apart from some. I've been to places I'd never imagine I'd go to but suffered incredible losses at the same time. Overall, it's been an amazing ride, but after 365 days, I'm ready to get off. It's time to try out the newest thrill in town, 2009. Hop in, buckle up and let's hope for one hell of an amazing time!

Disclaimer: I've realized I write like a drunken, blabbering collegiate broad with emotional dribble when I get distracted and fill the void with "I love you so much"s and "amazing"s falling all over the place. I also develop a sudden loss of energy to go back and change the verbage. Unlike a drunken broad, however, I DO mean everything I said, I WILL remember what I wrote here... (and I wont be an STD grab bag when I wake up tomorrow)....I just wish I had worded it a little bit better. In any case, you all know what I mean...

One Love.

2009 is in like a lamb, here's to ringing it out like a lion in December. Cheers.

Tedious Work

2008-10-03T14:19:00.002-04:00

So, I'm sitting here at the EMC (Champlain's Emergent Media Center, for those that don't know what I'm talking about) and thought I'd take a quick breather from my work to update on the United Nations Violence Against Women project.
Needless to say, although the trip to South Africa was hands down the most amazing experience I've ever had in my life, it wasn't a vacation. We worked tirelessly to gather as much information as we could in the short timespan of 10 days. Now many are wondering...what are you going to DO with the information?

Well, here's where the "fun" starts. We've spent the last few weeks transcribing all the audio that we collected from the various interviews that we conducted while we were there. For those that aren't familiar with transcribing, its the process of typing/writing out the entire interview, word for word. Literally--word for word. While this seems like a tedious but fairly do-able task, we've encountered a few obstacles that has made the process even more daunting.

First, we didn't have top of the line audio recording equipment. Many of us had simple voice recorders, and some even used the audio recording function on their digital cameras. We had to use what we had available in order to make sure every interview was recorded, no matter what the quality. Second, there was the issue of the heavy South African accents. And, in many of the recordings the interviews were competing with a great deal of background noise. Needless to say, this has been a tough process. But, the dilligent workers of the project have pushed through it and completed many, many, MANY hours of transcribing.

The next task was for the group to sit down and talk about common themes that we saw through the transcription process as well as when we digitized all of the notes we wrote down while in South Africa. One afternoon the group got together and wrote down every theme they could think of on yellow sticky notes. Then, the group stuck the notes all over a whiteboard and stepped back to look at them. Since many people had similar themes, the group began to group the sticky notes by theme and soon had bunches of notes on the whiteboard. Lastly, the group sat down and sorted through the groups and after much deliberation, narrowed it down to 5 main themes with a handful of subthemes to accompany each of them.

After this was completed, the researchers took these themes and divided them amonst themselves. We then used them to go through all of the transcriptions to pull out quotes that supported each theme. My themes included family, community, sex, aids, history, and music. All together, my document was over 23 pages of quotes!

Now, we've moved on to sorting through the photos that were taken during the trip. Collectively, we have over 15,000 photos! That's about 3,000 photos each for the research team to sort through! It's our job to add a title and description to each photo, as well as the author and the copyright. Then, we have to add as many "tags" to each photo as possible. This will allow others to easily search for tags or themes and have all relevant photos show up during their search. It's going to be an extremely tedious task, but one that's VITAL to this project.

So, why do all of this? Well, it's simple. Because we're working on a grant from the United Nations, we have to show that the money for the project and the trip was being used productively. Members from the United Nations ( or anyone else for that matter) can read through our interviews or search our photos and see that we're begun to analyze all the data we collected. Also, the artists and designers will need to use this information to support any artistic or style choice they choose while making the game. By being able to see quotes from the themes and easily searching tags on photos, they will be able to reference interviews and photos taken in South Africa to support their concepts.

It's been a tough few weeks, but we're all pushing through it and getting the work done. This stage is extremely important, as it determines the future of this project. All the work done on the trip and over the next few months will be presented to the United Nations and from there it will be decided if the college is granted the additional money to build the game over the next two or three years.

Now I think it's time to return to tagging photos!

Just trying to stay afloat

2008-10-01T02:46:00.002-04:00

Do you ever just feel that you can try and do so much yet can never come out on top? You feel like you can put out every last bit of energy you have and at the end of the day you're no further in life than you were when you started?

I do sometimes.

Yo Estaré

2008-09-24T01:52:00.003-04:00

It's been a long time since I've written, mostly because school is in full swing, and I've found myself swept up in the craziness of it all. I jumped right into it all after coming back from Africa--right into classes, right into work for the project and for Blockbuster, right into rehearsals for the fall show and improv, and right back into life in general. But the past few days have made me slow down and take a breather from everything.

I got the news the other day that someone from my old work had passed away. It wasn't a total shock necessarily as she was struggling with cancer, yet it was still as shock to me; its hard being able to keep up with everything constantly when you're up here in Burlington wrapped in the hustle and bustle of college.

I thought back to the times I had spent with her at work, and as cliché as it sounds, I remember her spirit, her attitude. Every day that I worked there, she would always come around the corner into my part of the office with such exuberance, such life, that you couldn't help but connect to her energy. Even with all that she went through, enough to knock a grown man to his knees, she never gave up. I'm truly saddened I didn't get to chat with her one more time, or even to say goodbye. But most of all, I'm sad I can't be there for all the others that had the privilege of working with her and getting to know her for many more years than the short time I did. I can only imagine the pain they're feeling right now and I wish them all the love and strength possible, but I know there's a great deal of support within the office and the Aris family.

A friend of mine also lost someone close to him this week. It's something I'm honestly not really familiar to tell the truth, but it's something I greatly fear. I can't even imagine the grief he must be feeling, and as much as I wish I could offer words, something, anything to make the situation better, I know there's nothing. Instead, I just offer my support and strength--my heart goes out to him.

It seems like everyone is struggling this week. Sometimes, I wish I could just spread endless happiness to those around me, those constantly struggling with their own battles in their own ways. I wish there was a way I could ease the tension and stress weighing on their shoulders. I know what it's like to feel the weight of the world on you, and feel as though there's no one there to help you ease the burden. So, when I see others fighting to stay afloat, every part of me wishes I could make their problems go away.

But, if South Africa taught me one thing, it taught me this: no matter what, there's always hope. The sun will rise again. The mind, spirit, and heart are incredible things that can endure more than we ever imagined and still shine. There was never a feeling of desolation, of despair. There was always hope--hope for today, hope for tomorrow. It was in every smile on every child, in every song that lifted from the people around us, in every kind word that was spoken to us. Their hope repaired years and years of broken spirits within me in the few days we spent there. It's something I wish I could share with every person around me. It's an incredible sense of strength and rebirth. South Africa and its people taught me to hold on, and to always keep your eye on the horizon. Even through the rain, the sun will always, always rise again. Don't ever give up.

As I lay here tonight, channel surfing through the thoughts in my brain, I thought about the past few days and it reminded me of a poem I wrote back in high school for a Spanish competition. While some of it is worded strangely to coordinate the Spanish translation, the overall message I was trying to convey seemed to fit. I also thought about an excerpt from another poem I wrote one night a few years ago.(wow,this sounds like shameless promotion.). But really, they're not meant to be that, just a way to offer a piece of my heart to those around me.

Yo Estaré ( I Will Be)
There will be a time when I will sleep eternally,
but my soul will live forever.
I will be an image in your eyes,
and a burning passion in your heart.

I will always be your guardian angel,
your love has earned me my wings.
My call for help,
a whisper of need upon your sacred lips.

I will be in existence everywhere;
I will be in the softened snow
that falls silently,
covering the trembling earth.

I will be in the crystalline waters
that tumble down the forest floor.
I will be in the moon that smiles down upon you,
and in the sun that caresses your cheeks.

love deeply, forget quickly.
take chances and forgive your enemies.
And don't fear my death;
I will be here until you meet me.

Love for me, cry for me.
but do not fear.
Have faith in me
for I will always--be.

____________________________________

Where Am I? (An Excerpt)
I lie on my bed, surrounded by loved ones.
I am nearing the end,
my life long journey reaching its destination.
Past memories and pains that once haunted me are now unimportant.
They vanish into the coastal breeze as I draw my last breath.
The fire that once burned deep within has burned out.
My soul has drifted out to the endless see,
only to be seen by a lonely sailor on a stormy night.
All that remains is my lifeless body, old and withered.
I stand in awe as the doors to the heavens part, a dream finally a reality.
I feel a passion, never to be described in words.
Where am I?
I am here, reborn again.
I belong to a place never seen with a humanly eye,
but dreamed about in the depths of night.
I am here, all around.
I no longer see nature, but have become nature.
I have transformed from the viewer to the artist,
painting the scenes I only once envisioned.
Where am I?
It is no longer a question of where I am now,
but rather where I was,
and where I will be in the never-ending life ahead.

There are no words. Not yet.

2008-09-10T00:54:00.004-04:00

I sat down tonight to write about Africa... but I can't do it. Not yet. In my mind I'm still processing the trip, even after a week of being back. The thoughts. The memories. The emotions.

Mostly, the emotions. To put it lightly, everyone came back a changed person--emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I wish I could find the right words to allow you to feel the things we're feeling, the experiences we had, the kindness we felt.

Sadly, I don't think there will ever be enough words.

In time, I'll write about my experience, what I did, where I went, what I saw. Just not tonight.
I don't think I'll ever be able to accurately capture how I felt or how I feel now.

Instead, I'll be alone with my thoughts tonight, and fall asleep to the beauty that is South Africa.

I really, truly miss it.

Hello from South Africa

2008-08-28T18:28:00.002-04:00

Well. Let me try and find the words to start. Right now, it's about 12:30am in South Africa. We've been awake since 5:30am, and tomorrow we're going to be awake right around 5:30am or 6am. We're exhausted, we're drained, and we're ALL craving sleep right now--we've been running on this a schedule like this since we've gotten here. But if you could look at our faces right now, this very second--we're happy. Simply put, we are happy. The experiences we've had here, the people we've talked to and learned from, the places we've seen, they've enriched our lives in ways that all of us are struggling to find the words to describe. I wish I could have constantly blogged while I was here--I had good intentions to, but I didn't know what the internet was going to be like. Unfortunately for us, it hasn't been that great. It needed to be paid for, and while our school did purchase credits we are sharing one internet connection between the 20 or so of us. (Luckily I grabbed it tonight!) Also, the problem has been the time. We've spent so much time out in the field that the only time we're in the bed and breakfast is for just that--bed and breakfast! But, I've taken so many photos and I've tried to jot down my thoughts as much as possible as I've gone through this.

I can't even begin to describe this experience. To put it lightly, it's been one of the best experiences of my life. It's made me think more about my life and the world in general. I think one of the biggest things that has touched me the most has been the hospitality and hope of people here. One of my first days here, we took a tour of a township. There were miles and miles of tin shacks and run down shelters. There was garbage all over the place. Most of the shacks were loosely constructed, pieced together with wood planks and thin tin roofing, with tires and concrete blocks holding down the makeshift roofs. People littered the streets, washing clothing in buckets and standing around. This was worse than any poverty I've ever experienced in America. Immediately I was struck with sadness and sympathy, and my heart went out to the people of the township. I couldn't imagine how anyone could live in these conditions and I prepared myself for the worst.

But, as the group walked around, small children began to run up to us, grinning ear to ear and taking our hands to walk with us. They laughed and talked with us the best they could, and squealed with joy as we took their pictures and showed them. The more we walked, the more children that gathered in our group. The more we talked to the children and the adults, the more we experienced the culture and its surroundings, the more we're learning that these people are the happiest people you'll ever meet. And, even though they have nothing, they're love sharing with you everything that they have. I can't tell you how humbling the experience has been. I admire their community, their positive outlook, their hope. Now, as the trip comes to a close, I find myself holding back tears because I'm leaving this place, this happiness, this hope. I'm leaving this incredible community. If anything, I'll want to cry as I see the United States out of the plane window, struck with sadness and sympathy for a country that will never know this hope and this community.

It's a funny feeling inside of me, one I can't possibly put in coherent thoughts at 1am. But, I wanted to share a few thoughts with you and cannot wait to share more with you when I'm back and have enough time (and sleep!) to record my experiences.

Vital Information

2008-08-22T01:35:00.004-04:00

Just for convenience, here is a list of blogs of students going on the trip. These students range from marketers, to artists, game programmers, and game designers. I've also listed the link to the official United Nations South Africa project blog that everyone, including the faculty on the trip, will be updating periodically. This blog is probably the best place for video and photo links ( if available--we don't know the internet situation yet.)

Community Project Blog:

Games Take on Violence Against Women-South Africa

Students:

Amanda Jones

Dan Bergeron

Wesley Knee

Rob Witbeck

Heather Conover

Brian George

Lauren Nishikawa

Jaimie Olmstead

Faculty:
Ann Demarle

Elaine Young(faculty advisor)

If you're on Facebook, you can also join and support our group here.

Thanks!

We've Only Just Begun

2008-08-22T01:18:00.004-04:00

I can't believe it. I'm laying here in bed; my bags are packed, carry on is ready, my camera batteries are charged, memory cards emptied, passport and other documentation stored away in a purse--but I still can't believe it.

In a few hours, I'll wake up. I still won't believe it.
In a few hours, I'll get ready to go--finish some final packing, get dressed, make some coffee, grab a light breakfast. But I still won't believe it.
In a few hours, I'll get picked up, driven to the airport, and board a plane en route to JFK to go to South Africa. Chances are, I still won't believe it.

It's only been a few weeks, but I feel like I've already been on a journey. I've challenged authority and fought for what I believe in, in hopes to retain the RA position. When it didn't work, I moved apartments. I finished my internship, as well as my online internship class, and as of last night I finally completed my other online class. On top of all that, I've gotten my passport and vaccinations. I'm lucky I still know where my head is at right now!

But, I've also been on another journey--an intellectual, mental and emotional journey. I've researched every piece of South Africa I could imagine--I'm familiar with everything from the culture to the history to the economic and political status. I've researched their problems, their struggles, both past and present. As a group, we've all discussed these all to quite an extent. We've pondered over unanswered questions, and found answers to questions which only lead to more. We've bounced around ideas, comments, concerns, questions, worries, fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams, plans, and information. We've spent hours upon hours upon hours submerging ourselves in the world of the United Nations and violence against women.

And yet, something tells me we've only just begun. There's only so much that you can read on paper, or on the internet. There's only so many Youtube videos you can watch about the land and its people. It isn't until you physically, emotionally, and mentally experience the world in person that you can begin to truly understand it.

In a few hours, we begin that process. What does it hold? Nobody knows. We've speculated, but none of us truly knows--and rightfully so. Yet, this leaves me a bit worried. I can only prepare myself so much mentally and emotionally, but will this be enough? Will I be able to handle the sights that will be before my eyes? Will I be able to comprehend all that unfurls before me? I don't know. In fact, I probably still won't know until I am laying in my bed the first night home, my mind swirling with images and memories from the trip.

I think it will be then, and only then, that I'll finally believe it.

I don't know what to expect, I don't know what will happen. But, I know one thing--in a few hours, it will all begin, whether I like it or not. Time to just jump in and take the plunge.

So with that, I sign off to get a few hours of sleep before the sun rises, signaling the beginning of the day, and of my journey--We may be half way there, but we've only just begun.

A Brief Moment of Sad Reflection

2008-08-14T02:35:00.003-04:00

I realize I haven't blogged lately about the project, but I'd like to take tonight and make a post about the significance of today for something else.

Just about a year ago today, I lost someone very, very close to me. Next to my parent's divorce ordeal, this was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. A year ago today, I lost my cat of almost 10 years, Furby. Now, some of you may skoff and see it as pathetic, but hopefully most of you can relate in some way, shape, or form.

I spent most of the day losing myself in the UN project and those around me, and it was a great comfort, especially after seeing the significant change the Sabido Method can create for the better (more on this at a later date, probably tomorrow). Hopefully it will do the same with our game.

But, you can only avoid a subject for so long, and I tried block of a little bit of time tonight to allow myself to reflect and grieve alone. I actually surprised myself when I finally let myself just go, to cry and grieve--I didn't realize that I still hurt this much a year later.

Now, before you write me off as a total sap, Ive lost pets before. And, although it was tough and I missed them greatly, I've never grieved for one as much as I have Furby. She was something truly special to me.

I remember when I first got her. It was just about 11 years ago or so, right around 5th or 6th grade. My mother's cat, the one I'd grown up with since I was born, was ill and had to be put down. It was the first time I'd ever had to put an animal to sleep, and I was crying so hard they wouldn't even let me in the room. I remember sitting in the car and bawling my eyes out, not sure how life was going to be the same again.Soon, the vet emerged from the office carrying our cat carrier, which in turn only made me cry harder knowing the deed was done. He came around to the side where I was sitting and opened the door, and told me to look inside. I was almost afraid of what I was going to see...he opened the door of the carrier and there in the back, curled in the corner, was this tiny, shivering kitten, simply a grey ball of puff staring back at me with her blue eyes. It was the first time I'd ever hurt and loved so much at the same time. I reached in and carefully scooped her up in my hands, took her out, and just held her close to me, never wanting to let her go.

As dumb as it sounds, it was the first taste of motherhood I'd ever had. She was mine. She relied on me, she needed me. I fed her, looked after her, loved her more than anyone else did. I taught her to come to my call, and called her in from outside every night. I was the one she looked to every night to snuggle with, and when she needed something, she looked to me. In her later years, I was the one that held her when she was sick, carefully feeding her water and food when she wouldn't eat or drink and reassured her she'd be okay.

But most of all, she was this incredible positive energy in my life when I needed it the most. The 7 years of my parents divorce was probably the darkest time in my life. But no matter what was thrown my way, she was there. She was the one I looked to for comfort when I moved away with my dad from my brother and mother. She was my little piece of stability during an unstable time. She was the one I clung to and cried to when I thought I didn't have the strength to go on. And strangely enough, she always knew when something was wrong. She came running. She forced herself into my arms and refused to move until she knew things were okay. When I was sick she would spend days by my side until I was better. We just had this indescribable connection; we looked out for each other when nobody else did.

There were many days when I would come home thinking the world had forgotten about me, only to realize that to this cat, I was her world. Little did she know, she was mine, too.

God, I can only imagine how all of this sounds. But for someone who's sole purpose in life is to be a mom, this was the closest I could come until I was ready to actually have a family.

And then one day, she was gone. She didn't come home. She didn't come running from the fields when I called her that night. It was one of the few nights I slept alone without her. The next morning she wasn't sitting there, perched on the windowsill absorbing the morning sun. Her food and water were untouched. For days, it continued. The house was silent. For nights, I was left bear armed and broken hearted. This was my baby, the grey ball of puff I'd held in my arms for 1o years. Just like that, she was gone.

And that's the way it's been for a year now--just...gone.

Although there isn't an official date for her death, I remember today specifically because it was the first time I'd let myself completely go, let myself finally grieve her loss. I'd spent the weeks before praying for her return, praying for her safety. But today, I accepted it and just sobbed, harder than I ever had before. I also remember the incredible amount of anger I harbored, at life, at God, at everything around me. I looked back over older journal entries today, and I remembered writing this particular one:

"Stare me down, let's settle this now. But know, you're in for a fight if it takes every last breath of me. As much as I am stricken with overwhelming grief, I am filled with equal hatred for you. You are doing nothing but pouring salt in the wounds that you have inflicted. Right now my baby is somewhere, left mangled and alone by your creatures. Instead of allowing me to give her comfort, you take her from me. And now, her helpless remains deteriorate in the rain you pelt down on us.

...You took away my baby. Swept her away, taking every last piece of broken happiness I had when she was nothing but an innocent life. You had no right. You may be god, but you're not my god. My god would not bear to remove the only crutch a person pawing at despair could have....

...I will stand here strong, and mock your best efforts to regain control. You've lost it all- control, power, respect with the despicable acts that you've committed. I will watch you perform your best show, throw your best attempts at ensuing fear in me, but never blink an eye. You will not intimidate me.... ...The motherly instincts are waging an writhing war inside of me, screaming in agony at the inability to hold my baby and keep her warm and safe, protect her with all that I've got. It's your fault. Everyhing. I blame it all on you. Let it be known, here and now, an official declaration of my eternal feelings for you: I HATE YOU.I DESPISE YOU. I LOATHE YOU. I will not back down. Not now, not ever. I will never forgive, I will never forget."

I've never been terribly religious, but I lashed out at God that night. It was the first time I'd ever felt complete and utter loathing for him; after all that he had put me through, this had to happen on top of it all. It scared me, to be honest. I wanted to scream until my lungs shriveled up. I wanted to cry until my heart exploded. I wanted to grieve until I was numb of all emotion.

A year later the pain is still there, but the hatred's subsided. Strangely enough, I'm still a strong believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason--this happened for a reason. It doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt, though. I still miss her terribly. But, part of me wonders how she would have held up while I spent more and more time away from home at school, or how she would have fared this summer without me there. My heart breaks to say it, but it happened for a reason.

So, tonight I've spent some time looking back over my life and hers, reminiscing aand remembering the love that we shared. It's also made me realize that while I felt like my life was over at that point, that there was nothing left for me--I'm still here. I'm still living my life. I'm stronger emotionally, mentally. It's taught me that the heart is virtually indestructible... it can be completely broken and still function. You can nurse it back to health. No, it will never heal completely. But you can pick up the pieces and continue to move on if you have enough will to keep going.

And as hard as it is sometimes, I think everything happens for a reason. The hard part is being able to look back at a situation like that and discover the reasons why.

This just gives me hope for the future. After all I've overcome, I'm still here. There were many days when I didn't think I would be, I didn't think I would have the strength to get out of bed the next day. But somehow, every day I did--every damn time. You have to dig down deep and find the things, people, places, memories that inspire you, that keep you focused and moving. And even if they're taken away from you, they're never gone forever; they're deep inside your heart. Find those and you've got all you need to keep you going no matter what comes your way.

"Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever."
--Unknown

I'm not asking for your sympathy. I'm not asking you to understand. It may mean nothing to you, it may mean everything--I don't know. I'm simply mourning a loss in my own little way. I know there are so many important, positive things to write about right now, and tomorrow we'll pick up right where things left off. But tonight, this is important and very personal to me. Tonight is dedicated to this.

Tonight, I grieve your loss. Tomorrow I use your memory and love to begin again.

The people are nice and the view's just fine.

2008-08-06T01:02:00.002-04:00

I am now, officially, a resident of 516.

Well, part way.

Amanda and I spent the better part of last night painting until 4am to make sure everything was dry and ready for today. Since we stayed up so late we also slept in late, and started moving about noon.

....and we just finished...for the night. So far, her room is almost all together, and mine as well. I just have some hardware to install i.e. a shelving unit for my wall, picture frames, and a whiteboard type thing. But, everything is moved from our bedrooms into our new bedrooms. We also moved the bathroom stuff (after a thorough cleaning, it was disgusting in there!) so that we can shower and get ready tomorrow morning.

So, tomorrow after our various jobs, we need to move the entire kitchen and the rest of the living room. Then, at some point before Friday, we also have to paint back our bedrooms... Unless I can get away with doing it Sunday afternoon some how, I'm not sure...

Either way, this sucks. Really. Just the hassle, especially now with trying to finish up one online class and in the middle of another, on top of the UN job and Blockbuster. There just isn't enough hours in the week! But, I'm managing.

But overall, the people are nice and the view's just fine. I'm adjusting.

Now it's time for bed. I'm pooped! Pictures to follow later of the new (and old) rooms.

Movin' On...Up?

2008-08-03T01:46:00.003-04:00

After meeting with housing on Friday, it looks as though Amanda and I will be able to move into the same apartment, apartment 516. The woman in charge e-mailed one girl who is living there currently (who had expressed an interest earlier in moving) to see if she was still interested in moving. She heard a response back that she did still want to move, so it looks like that space will be available. Unfortunately we can't move until everything is official and the other girl has officially "confirmed" it and selected a new room to live in. She could change her mind after seeing the room choices available, in which case Amanda and I would be split up into different apartments. But, I don't think this will be the case.

Still, this SUCKS, to put it mildly. Just when we had gotten settled in, we have to uproot again and shift down the hall. That means repacking, re-painting the walls, painting the NEW walls, and unpacking. It'll be a long process that all has to be completed this week on top of working for the EMC, homework, and Blockbuster. Though, I know I will feel a huge relief once this entire ordeal is over and I can move on with things.

I know I probably shouldn't feel like this, but I can't help feeling betrayed slightly by Champlain College. 2 years ago, I looked to this college as my doorway to freedom. I was at Lyndon State before, and I felt there was nothing there for me. There were no opportunities, no room for growth. I saw myself sitting stagnant for the rest of my college career, and knew I would leave feeling unfulfilled. It wasn't something I wanted. But, when I found Champlain, their motto stuck with me "boundless opportunities." It's even reiterated by the college Philosophy:

"The primary mission of Champlain College is to prepare students for successful careers by creating a physical and intellectual environment in which they have freedom to grow and are challenged to realize their full potential. While special emphasis is placed on the development of professional competence, the following are also seen as essential components of the College’s responsibility to its students: to inform and stimulate the mind; to develop character, personality and ethical conduct; and to provide creative outlets through supervised extracurricular activities.

Therefore, the College is dedicated to providing Champlain students with a variety of educational experiences that will encourage them to develop as individuals, to foster understanding and appreciation of all people, and to gain career skills that will allow them to contribute to the professional and personal environments in which they live." (http://www.champlain.edu/about/philosophy.php)

It's even stated in the first sentence that they create an environment "in which [students] have freedom to grow and are challenged to realize their full potential."

But how can a student be offered the full freedom to grow and realize their full potential if they're stifled by a college unwilling to compromise or work with a student who wants to take advantage of every opportunity available? This college wants to produce successful, involved, passionate and educated students; yet they're unwilling to help the students who have those qualities.

I considered myself to be one of those students. I'm a double major with a 3.88 GPA, and not only am I involved with a variety of on campus activities and organizations, but I've taken steps to create my own when the college lacked such resources. But most of all, I had a deep passion for this college and for what it stood for. I wanted nothing more than to give back and become a part of Champlain more than I already was.

So, it goes without saying that I was completely estatic when this United Nations project came along. I considered it a double whammy for the college, not only being able to give back to other students through the resident assistant job, but to also work on this amazing project and develop some amazing and positive PR for Champlain.

And then I ran into this whole mess. But what surprised me the most was the amount of resistance the college put up. In no way were they willing to work with me to develop a solution or a compromise when both of these opportunities conflicted. And, after everything I had done to be a part of this campus, none of it mattered. Even when I pointed out the discrepancies for the training for fall versus spring RAs, it meant nothing. Nobody said, " let's try and work this out." People said, "yes, you have a point," but nothing was done. And, I don't think anything will change.

And to make matters worse, this housing issue was more struggle, more hassle. Others could be consolidated and moved at housing selection, this girl in the other apartment could be asked to move and transfer students could be shuffled around, but there was no way to allow us to stay in our apartment? It was a "philosophical" decision of the department. So, the two students that aren't here yet will remain residents in the apartment while the two that are here (and have been for four months), completely moved in, decorated, and have mail sent to this apartment now need to completely uproot and shuffle down the hall in a few days. And, the college will also have to arrange and pay to have the apartment cleaned again before the new RAs arrive to take our place.

Sometimes, I just don't understand it. I really don't. Here are students that are looking to grow, looking to achieve success in every sense of the word; students who have reached out to the student body and to the community, who have spent their free time trying to make their residence hall and college a better place. Here are students willing to put forth as much effort needed to perform every job.duty, and role to the best of their abilities, and they're met with nothing but resistance from a place that supposedly strives to foster an environment for growth and for students to "realize their full potential".

With that said, I'm still thankful for the wonderful education and the opportunities that have been presented to me, and I'm still very dedicated. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be involved at all. But I can't help but feel a twinge of resentment for this entire predicament and it's discouraged me from being as involved as I initially wanted to be. Instead, it says to me "be involved, but don't try and put yourself out there too much. If you do, you'll have nothing but problems." Be involved just enough to feel fulfilled, but don't grow any further unless you want stress and disappointment.

So, as this whole ordeal comes to a close, I just hope the college will realize how much stress and disappointment this has caused for not only Amanda and I, but for others around us. It's changed the views on the college for many people, and not in a good way. I only hope that this will cause the college to go back and reevaluate procedures, rethink the way it handles situations like these. I hope they especially make changes to the RA training procedures. If all of the 2 week training in the fall is vital for all the RAs to be properly trained, than there is no way that 2 days of training in the spring can possibly turn out properly trained RAs. And, if those RAs are not properly trained, you are now endangering the lives of all the students they're supervising should a crisis occur. If you were worried about us being under trained by missing a few days of training, then this scenario shouldn't cause you any less concern. If the same training could have been received, then what does it boil down to? that we're missing move in weekend? So, because we wouldn't be there to greet the students and facilitate a meeting, there were no alternatives to make that up? Because we'd be missing a weekend, its reason to take away at least a semester's worth of RA duties? I think there's some thinking that needs to be done.

Either way, things are over and done with. There's no going back. And personally, for me, there's no going forward on that road again. Instead, I'm going to take different paths to reach the same destination. I'm going to focus my efforts on the project, and then I'm going to examine other leadership positions such as orientation leader or peer advisor. While I'm sad I'm losing this leadership position and disappointing all those that looked for me to be in that position, I know there are other ways to be a leader on this campus and in this community and I'll seek those out.

So, this will be the last time I blog about this topic. I'm finished, moving on. No need to drag out the negatives when I have such great positives sitting here to be blogged about. I just wanted to sum up my final thoughts on the subject now that some of the initial emotion has died out. It's a sad loss either way, but I'm willing to move on and not dwell in the past. I thank all those that have offered their support and advice through this whole thing, and to those who really understood the tremendous amount of stress this has caused me. Now, I look forward to moving forward with the United Nations project and putting this all behind me.

Oh, and one last tidbit before I sign off that I've been repeatedly forgetting to mention in here: How cool is it that three Windsor High School grads are working on this? Umm, pretty cool in my book! And, on top of that, we all have blogs! You can follow myself, Amanda Jones, and Bryan Hare on this project.

This post has become much, much longer than I intended, and I can only help but quote my friend Shakespeare (Bryan will appreciate the humor in this) from Hamlet, where his character Polonious says, "Brevity is the soul of wit...so I'll be brief."

Haha, theater nerd joke. Love it. Good night!

Project Update

2008-07-31T17:54:00.002-04:00

It's been a few days since my last post, so I figured it was time for an update.

First, a quick update on the RA position/UN project:

Housing: We have to move apartments. I'm not even going to get into the argument. I don't agree with their reasoning (there seems to be a trend here) but its not even worth it at this point. We're hoping for 2 spaces to be available in Spinner, but if not Amanda and I will have to move into separate apartments. Meeting with housing again tomorrow morning to figure things out more. I just want everything over with so I can focus on my online classes, the project, and my life, basically. This whole ordeal has consumed it for the past two weeks or so. It's been a long battle, and I'm just done fighting it. If anything, it's just made me lose any desire to work for them in the future.

But, on to more positive? note: the UN Project

Research is coming along, slowly but surely. We've struggled the first few days, I believe in part because we didn't really have a direction. We were dropped into this without knowing what to do, and it took us a few days to "Get accustomed" to everything I guess. The only analogy I can come up with is in Castaway, where Tom Hanks first washes up on the island. He just sits there, unsure of what to do. He mentally takes in his surroundings, and simply sits there and thinks. Finally he gets some direction and begins to take steps to survive.

Today was especially good, we all felt extremely productive and felt like we made some strides towards making a plan for the next few weeks. It's been great working together as a team for most of the time, we really utilize each other- talk things through out loud, bounce ideas around, and find new things or topics to research through each other's research.

We've also spent a good amount of time discussing the marketing around this project. We know that we want to make others aware of it, as it's a big project for Champlain College. Not only should others in the college know about it, but the community as well. But, here lies the problem--how do we do that? How to we make others aware of it? Especially in the next few weeks, as we want others to be able to follow us while we're in Africa. So far, we've turned to one marketing method we know and trust-Facebook. We created a group in order for everyone to join- group members, friends, family, etc... Here, we'll use this as a way to update our research findings, marketing strategies, etc... to keep everyone updated. Also, we've listed some student blogs and encouraged others to do it as well. This way they are all in one convenient place and others can access various student blogs in one place. On the flip side, once we gather a great deal of students, it will be easy to reach them all if we need to by simply sending a message to all the members in the group. In addition, we're hoping the more people we reach out to, the more will come back with information links, contact names, etc... that they know of. Yay for social networking!

Another issue we've come across in our our discussions is a lack of a "brand" I guess you could call it? We want to give the project a name and a logo, something that will not only unite everyone working on the project (there seems to be some division lines between groups) but will also give something for others to connect to, not just the "EMC UN Project". As marketing majors, we all got excited about this topic and have developed a few ideas for names, t-shirt and logo ideas, as well as empowering quotes and slogans. Of course, this isn't all up to us, so we're excited to bring this to the group meeting and get feedback from the two design teams as well. But, some of the questions I've been wrestling with--is this something that the students and community will be excited about? Is this a cause they'll deem worthy of supporting? If not, is there a way we can change that? And, do they believe the project has as much magnitude as we do? I guess these are just questions we'll have to work on finding the answers to over the next few months.

Either way, we want to not only make a change to the communities in South Africa, but we think its equally as important to reach out to the community around us, even if only to educate them on the severity of this issue. We have to be careful though, and not focus too much on this issue just yet. I think sometimes its easier to work on marketing for this because it's familiar, its the world that we live in. But, with only a few short weeks before the trip, we need to really focus our attention on gathering the right research and preparing for the research we need to collect while over there. Not only is this research going to be vital towards the project, but we only have one shot (10 days) at everything. There is no room for error, really.

So, our goals for the next few weeks are going to be to really figure out the target market and narrow it down as much as possible. The more specific the target market, the better results we'll have, hopefully. We also need to create surveys, determine the areas that we want to visit to observe behavior and have focus groups, along with which we'll need good, quality interview questions. On top of that, we need to collect as much general research as we can to be able to develop a detailed profile of the target market before we go so that we can have something together for others to read on the plane.

We have a lot of work ahead of us and sometimes we feel a little in over our heads, but I'm confident we have a great team and great advisers such as Meg Frenzen and Elaine Young that are helping to steer us in the right directions.

Overall, with each day that goes by and the more information I learn, I feel more committed and passionate about this project. I only hope we'll be able to inspire others in the same way.

I leave you with a quote that I found earlier, and I thought it was relevant to the project and a great possible slogan for our group. It was said by Nelson Mandela, former president of South Africa, anti-apartheid activist and leader of the African National Congress:

"Education is the most powerful weapon you can use to change the world."

Tom Tom couldn't get me out of this crossroads...

2008-07-28T16:38:00.003-04:00

So, the RA position/ UN project has come to a crossroads. For the last week, we've fought and fought with every person possible to retain our position as RAs and continue with the United Nations Project, but unfortunately had no success. We even talked to the president to see what he could do, as we knew he understood the importance of this project to Champlain college. But today, unfortunately, we heard word back--a decision has to be made.

For the past week, I've agonized over this. There were nights I laid in bed for hours, working out every possible situation in my head, trying to weigh the pros and cons, work out financials, and look at the situation both short term and long term. I think what's been most beneficial though, is not only all the support I've received from friends, advisors, co workers, and family, but also being able to talk things through with everyone. I can't thank those enough that helped me work through the situation and offered suggestions, pros, cons, factors I never considered, etc... Also, a big shout out to Wes for his suggestion in talking to the president and arranging the meeting with him for us because we were so strapped for time. Being able to have this support and help there has been instrumental in not only my mental sanity, but also in making this tough decision.

After getting all the advice that I could, I worked it out to be the following:

This United Nations project is a once in a lifetime deal. Not many college students can say that they worked on a project for the United Nations and received an all expense paid trip to Africa to conduct research there. I know this project is going to big, especially based on all the PR ideas we were throwing out in this morning's meeting. It's not only going to look good on a resume, but I can only imagine what a fullfilling experience this is going to be. Even in the little bit of time that we've worked on it, there's a perpetual warm feeling that fills me, because in my heart I know we're helping the greater good.
But, I also had to look at what I would have to sacrifice for this position. For a while it looked like I wouldn't even be able to be guaranteed housing, let alone live with my roommate, Amanda. Not knowing about housing scared me. Terrified me, actually. There's no way I'd be able to afford an apartment for the year. And, if I had to move back to campus, I'd also have to get the meal plan. That's an additional 12,000 I'd have to find money for. Every year my financial aid is tight, so being able to find that amount would have been tough. Luckily, Res Life has finally guaranteed us housing in Spinner, and they're fairly certain we can room together. That relieves me a little. On top of everything else, I'd give up the bi-weekly RA paycheck and worst of all, the position itself. I'd already started planning activities for the year,and residents I didn't even know (and ones I knew) were already contacting me with questions and concerns , looking to their RA for guidance. There were tons of people, RAs and residents, who were counting on me to be in this position. By turning down this position, I felt like I was letting them down. I think that weighed more heavily on me than anything else.
I guess, when it all came down to it, I had to determine if this project was worth losing that student trust, that money, and the financial break on housing.

And after a great, great, great deal of consideration and thinking, I believe it is. It truly is. It's worth it for the cause, for the experience, for the opportunity. Bottom line.

So, I'm doing the UN Project and turning down the RA position.

Yes, we may not change the world. But, I refer back to the quote that I heard from Schindler's List "He who saves a life saves a world entire." Even if we're only able to save one life, save one woman from violence, then we've saved an entire world. Is this behavioral change even possible with what we're doing? I honestly don't know. But all we can do is try. And that, that makes it all worth it.

Last week during one of my sleepless nights, I thought back to the last big decision in my life, and I tracked it back to seven years ago when my parents were getting divorced. I had the choice of living with my mother and brother, or moving out and living with my dad. I wanted to live with my dad because my mother and I did not ( and still don't) have anything that resembles a relationship. But, my brother and I have a very tight, special bond. It broke my heart to have to choose, but there was no way around it. He wasn't old enough to choose, and my mother wasn't giving him up. I agonized over this, cried and cried and cried and prayed and cried and prayed for an answer. I've never felt my heart break more than when I watched my brother from the side view mirror as my dad and I drove away. Even seven years later, it's still an image that haunts me. But as we drove along and I fought back tears, I wondered if I made the right decision. I knew it was going to be mentally, emotionally and physically better for me. And, even though I hated leaving my brother, I knew he was going to be okay, we were going to survive. Even then, there was still a small part of me that whispered "things will be okay."

And now, seven years later...they are. It not only strengthened our bond and our relationship, but a year later he moved in with us, and we've never looked back. Things were okay. I can't even imagine myself making any other choice when I look at it now.

This was similar. I looked at all the pros and cons, and deep in my heart I feel this is right for me. It hurts to leave this RA position because I knew not only would I be good at the job, but it'd also be fulfilling. But, I feel that this UN project will be the best. It tore me apart, but I have to listen to my heart, it's never steered me wrong. And I can hear that faint whisper again that "things will be okay." My friends and family support me, and in my heart, this feels right.

When I moved out, things were okay. And inside, I know this will be, too.

I'm comforted by a quote I found by Abraham Maslow, a psychologist who created Maslow's "hierarchy of needs."
He said, "You will either step forward into growth or step back into safety."

The RA job would be safe. I know what to expect, I know what to do. But would I grow from it? I don't know. Maybe a little. This project is a complete unknown. None of us know how we're going to tackle this, or what we're doing. That's why we're here and why we took it on-- it's a challenge. It excites me and fuels me inside when we discuss it, firing out ideas and dissecting problems and solutions. On top of that, I'll not only be really traveling abroad for the first time, but also to a place I know nothing about. The whole thing scares me, but equally excites me. But I'm taking a leap of faith. I'm stepping forward into growth.

One things for sure: this is going to be an incredible journey.

Thanks to all those that helped me, guided me and supported me. It's been a tough decision and an equally tough fight. I stood up for what I believed in until the very end, until I couldn't fight any more. I didn't take this all lying down, but I know when I ultimately need to concede. And I've thought this decision through very carefully. It's been a a long, stressful, and draining process, but I'm glad it's finally over. Now the only thing to do is look forward to the future. And, as Dr. Phill says " Sometimes you make the right decision, and sometimes you make a decision right."

Either way, this is going to be the right decision. So, goodbye Residential Life. Hello Africa!

Catch the Wave

2008-07-25T03:06:00.004-04:00

I went to the first meeting for the United Nations Project today and it completely opened my eyes to all of this.

Blew me away.

It was incredible to read about the scope and potential of this project, and to listen to those in charge of it talk about it. It was obvious that each adviser was equally as passionate about this project, and each one brings a different but equally beneficial area of expertise.

What also struck me was the incredible student minds that surrounded me. As we went through introductions and continued into our first, in depth discussion about the project, I could see why each student was selected for this project. Everyone had a great background of experience and a passion for learning, and it was an incredible experience to listen to these students discuss and ask questions about the project. As marketers, my team and I asked questions about target markets and publicity, as well as research methods. Others asked questions about design and concepts, and the overall message that we want to bring to the consumer. There were things brought up that I would never have thought about or even knew about. But, each person around the table today did the same thing-listened. We listened to each other, absorbed information. We acknowledged really good questions and were open to ideas, and it seemed like each new point or question brought about 3 more. In those few hours that we met, you could feel the energy brewing in the room and the ideas beginning to take root in this project.

Overall, I think the one thing that brings us together is passion. We're passionate for what we do, and the work that we put fourth. And, we're passionate for this cause.

And, I think when you take extremely driven students who have an equal passion for the cause, you have a deadly force that is not afraid of obstacles and is ready to make waves through the community, through the nation, and across the globe.

Tonight, I heard a quote that made me think about this project in a new way:
"He who saves one life saves the world entire"
While we may not directly save lives through this project, we have the power to potentially influence future behavior. If that leads to even one less battered woman, one less innocent life saved, one less act of violence- we've saved the world. It was quite a humbling revelation.

I cannot wait to share with you the wealth of information I gain from this project, but also the large amount of personal growth.

In short, this is going to be big. Get ready for one heck of a journey... and grab your surfboard...Champlain College is making waves.

Rash Decisions arent me.

2008-07-24T02:46:00.004-04:00

I've been molding and shaping this whole ordeal in my brain for the last few days. It's probably pretty apparent, as it's almost 3am and I have to get up for an all day meeting in like 4.5 hours.
But anyways...the anger and frustration have started to clear away ( but mind you, still there.) and I've now turned to logic, thinking, planning. I'm talking things through. I'm writing things down. I'm weighing out options, consequences, life for the semester, the year, and future years. I'm thinking about money. I'm thinking about living situations. I'm thinking about my future profession. I'm thinking about stress and time. I'm trying to incorporate every factor I can think of, draw lines, make connections, clear away the jumbled mess I had before and sort through all of this.

But most of all, I'm reaching out to others. I'm asking their opinion, looking for their advice, asking for their ideas. Sometimes it helps to hear things from other perspectives. You can see things in a new light, you can get new ideas, and sometimes even just hearing your own thoughts back to you can sway you one way or another.

Either way, this decision will be life changing. Part of this scares me. It scares me to know that either way, I'm missing out on something truly amazing. But, in some sick way, it excites me a little. Maybe my life needed this, maybe I need to be threatened with change. Who knows, it might do me some good. I don't really know.

Its funny because I've always been a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. There's been plenty of times I've looked back over my life and realized how certain actions or events brought me to where I was today, or how they changed my life at that moment, even when I couldn't see it then. Last year I was upset because Laura was no longer going to be our roommate after 2 years. I couldn't understand (well, I understood from her point, I guess) why this was happening to me. ( wow, that sounds selfish, but I really mean it in the most non selfish way possible). Anyways, I didn't realize it tonight that it happened for a reason. Not only for her own personal reasons, but also because if she was our roommate, this would make things even more difficult right now. Its different when both Amanda and I could face losing our apartment, because either way we'd both be leaving it. And, while there's a slim chance that we could be put together again, there's still a chance. For all 3 of us to leave and still be roommates, there's be absolutely no way. But, if we did have to move, we'd have to leave her behind in the apartment, which wouldn't be fair. And, it would probably make this decision more difficult because that would be a factor in our decision, when it really shouldn't be based on the severity of this decision. I hate to admit it, but it happened for a reason.

Needless to say, this whole thing has sickened me. literally. I've felt sick to my stomach for the past 3 days, and I've come really close to throwing up. It's just been that detrimental. And really, if you could see me now, I look like shit. No lie. I've been so drained from this, its affecting my job, my school work, my internship;its affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally.

I think I'll be able to feel relief once it's finally over, for better or for worse. And I'll probably need a giant hug.

probably two.

Now its time for bed, with a meeting about the UN project tomorrow. This will also play into the final decision as I learn more about the project and the trip.

I want to be 5 years old again.

It depends on what your definition of "exception" means.

2008-07-23T13:10:00.003-04:00

I'm speechless, really. Devestated. Frustrated. Exhausted. Stressed. Sick to my stomach from all of this.

Basically, what it comes down to is this:

If I take on this UN project and go on the trip to Africa, I cannot be an RA for next year. I have to somehow find the financial aid to cover the additional costs now, and there's a good chance I'd have to move out of my apartment, and to where, who knows.

I can't believe this. Really. After all of the extra work I've done for res life and for Spinner Place, none of it matters. Nothing.

And here's the part that I think makes it the worst. I understand their point that I'd be missing part of training as well as move in weekend. It's a valid point, and I understand the information and experience I'd be missing.
But here was the "gray area" that I found yesterday: They said that RAs in the fall needed to go through the entire training process in order to be qualified for the position and to be fully trained. BUT, RAs in the SPRING go through 2 days of training. 2 days. Then, they work with someone throughout the year. And those RAs are supposedly just as qualified and trained as the ones that need to go through 2 weeks of training in the fall. They also said that all RAs need to attend move in weekend. But, the RAs in the spring don't have to do that.

I guess I'm just not comprehending this. I don't understand how this can all equal out. They had argued and argued that they made no exception the 2 week training, no exception what so ever. Yet they said that the RA training in the spring is an exception. Which is it, do you make exceptions or don't you?

I put in a great amount of effort last year to create and run the Spinner Place Residence Hall because I wanted to make a difference in the hall, I wanted to give back and make a difference. We as volunteer students put on more events than the RAs within the building and had the most attendance overall at our events. And we did this all just to be involved.

At one point they asked "why should we make an exception for you when we could go out and hire someone that could be here on that weekend"
You know why? Because while you may find someone just as qualified, you won't find someone with just as much dedication to the position and to the building itself. I've lived there since it opened. I've worked on SPRHC, I've reached out to the students. I told them I was willing to do whatever it took to make up for the time, to prepare the rooms before I left, to take extra efforts to reach out to the residents to meet them, say hello, talk with them. ANYTHING. I've been working all summer to plan events, contact people, and even worked on plans for a Spinner Place activities website. And yet, apparently that's not enough.

We even proposed this- let us go to the first week of training. Let us work hard to do as much preparation as we possibly can before we go. If you feel we're undertrained, we won't be on duty that week and we asked that they work with us on that Saturday following (Jamie said he'd be willing). And then let us make up the duty days during the rest of the month. Yes, I know it's asking them to go out of their way on that one day. But, I feel it would be a good investment and worth it in the long run. I KNOW I'll be a good RA, and I know I'll not only do the job but do it WELL. There are some RAs that just do the bare minimum, just enough to get by and fullfill the position. I don't want to be one of those. I want to put in the extra effort to have quality, fun, engaging activities that students can meet and bond with each other at as well as have a beneficial learning experience. I understand the added difficulties Spinner has with resident participation and community because I've lived there. I've worked on breaking those barriers down. Many people who haven't had experience working there could be very easily frustrated by these and simply give up.

And they even said during the meeting that they didn't doubt we could have all the necessary information to do the job and to do it well, but we'd be "missing out on the experience." and that was irreplaceable. But, RAs in the spring don't get that "experience" either.

they kept repeating "if there was a way to make this work, we'd like nothing more than for this to work."

This is a way it could work.........

I'm so frustrated. I'm frustrated that I can be willing to go completely out of my way to make this all work, all because I want to be there for the residents, to do all I can to make sure they'll have a good experience at Champlain AND at Spinner. I'm so passionate about this job its not even funny. Isn't that what they ultimately look for in an RA? But they're not willing to meet me part way.

I want to give back to this college because its given so much to me, and I can think of no better way to do that than as an RA. I can give back to the students and be a representative for the college.

But at the same time, the college has presented me with this UN opportunity. In order to do this job, the trip is necessary to conduct thorough research. This is thinking about the client and their best interests, something the college would want to represent to the United Nations. But yet, they're not willing to make to budge on any of this.

I just don't know.

Don't even begin to ask me my decision right now. I'm not going to give up fighting until the very last minute. I don't feel this is fair, and I don't agree with their reasoning, especially in light of this RA fall/spring training.

What I do know, is that I'm completely sickened over this entire thing.

Welcome to the case of Opportunity Knocks vs. Hard Knocks

2008-07-22T15:40:00.004-04:00

Opportunity knocks vs. hard knocks.

I have to say, that was probably the most intense 90 minutes of my life.
There was discussion, there was arguing. There were smiles and laughs, there were full out tears. There were some intense heated moments between all of us, as well as some awkward silent times.

But......there is still light at the end of the tunnel. Mind you, it's like lighting a candle at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel, but nonetheless, it's there. Thank you vague loopholes.

I'm crossing my fingers and praying to every god I can think of. There were valid points that came up from both parties, and we pleaded our case, put fourth our points, and cried many, many, many tears. But no matter what, we fought. We fought hard. Not only to retain this position, but to show our dedication, prove that we want this more than we've wanted anything in our lives.

And now all we can do it way. and pray. and cry. and wait. and pray some more.

Please, let this all work out. Please please please please PLEASE.

More details later when I can emotionally ( and mentally) come down from all of this.
Oh yeah, and when I'm not at my internship.

Stay tuned.

I knew it was all too good to be true.

2008-07-21T16:37:00.004-04:00

I am completely devastated. I can't believe this. After all of my hard work, dedication to this school, and demonstration of leadership abilities, I'm being forced to choose between an amazing opportunity and a position that I KNOW I will excel at, a position that I genuinely want and am committed to. Obviously, because if I wasn't I wouldn't be this upset and this willing to fight. I just think it's funny, Champlain boasts about their "boundless opportunities" and their constant push for student involvement, yet they stifle the people that truly want to be involved.

Straight outta the gates

2008-07-21T03:48:00.003-04:00

I can already tell it's going the week's going to be hectic straight out of the gates, but it's well worth it!

Officially back in Burlington (well, been back for a little under 12 hours) after a couple days back home. Worked for my dad, got caught up on some homework, and had some family time. I left this afternoon and arrived back here in Burlington, took a quick nap, then headed off to work a closing shift at Blockbuster until about 12:15am. When I got back, headed to the store with Amanda and Melinda, then came back and got stuff ready for tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm allowed to share all the details yet, so I'll refrain until I hear more, but everything's happening so fast! I feel like an incredible opportunity has just fallen into my lap, and I couldn't be more excited. =D But theres a lot to do to get ready... starting tomorrow by heading to the post office to take care of passport stuff. I'm getting everything done there, already finished the application and have my birth certificate and drivers license ready. Having it expedited to be here as quick as possible, don't want to have to worry about it as things get closer.

Also have to arrange things with Res Life. I'll be missing some RA training, so I have to figure out if everything will work out and I can do both. If not, then I'm sacrificing being an RA! Not giving this up! But, I'm really hoping I can work everything out...I talked briefly with Jamie tonight, and he said if I'm only missing and few days and back for move in weekend then things might be able to work out. I'm going to wait till I have details then head into res life to sit down with him, Laura Scott, Ashley Mikell, and anyone else to see if I can work out an alternative plan with them. *crosses fingers*

other than that, just finishing up my internship hours this week, have about 16.5 left to do, which will be 5 tomorrow, 8 Tuesday (13) and then 3.5 another day, whichever one they want me to come in on. Then I'm totally done! Also going to work on finishing all the assignments left for the class, as well as working on this week's assignment for my other online class.

I'm a busy busy girl, but I know everything will be worth it. =D

There's something in the air.........

2008-07-18T19:20:00.002-04:00

Just a hunch.....but something is telling me this may be the beginning of an amazing school year. =D

Insomniac totals

2008-07-18T00:45:00.003-04:00

Tuesday:awake for almost 20 hours.
Tuesday night: sleep for 6.5 hours.
Wednesday: Awake for 18 hours.
Wednesday night: slept 4.5 hours.
Thursday: 16.5 hours and counting..I'm so exhausted I'm awake? I'm banking on atleast 2:30am before I sleep. So, let's say 18 hours to round out this total.
67 hours and I've slept for 11 of them. 16%. I should have been sleeping for atleast 22 of those hours...like 32%.

WHY AM I DOING MATH RIGHT NOW?
What the hell is wrong with me?

This is only going to lead to disastrous concequences...aka me getting sick, probably. Luckily, tomorrow I get to sleep in, so hopefully this will cure everything...hopefully.

I'm signing off, closing down, shutting off...and if tonight is anything like last night, I'm driving to Walmart at 4am, buying sleeping pills and sleeping straight through till Saturday morning, damn it.*

*the author understands the hazards and potential dangers of sleeping pills and should said event occur will only take the dosage recommended on the package. Author will also not take with alcohol or operate heavy machinery. Hopefully, if it works right, she'll be sleeping and won't be able to operate heavy machinery anyways. DUR.

Insomniatic thoughts...

2008-07-17T14:47:00.002-04:00

I don't know what it has been lately, whether its the weather, the erratic sleeping schedule, or the shift from Burlington to home for the next few days, but I've been an insomniac the past few days.
It's probably a mix of everything. I went from sleeping in to about eleven a few days, to being at my internship for 9am Monday and Tuesday. Then on Tuesday after my internship things were crazy with rushing around to do an interview for a class and then getting called in for a closing shift at Blockbuster. I got home around 12:30am and went to bed just after 2am. The next day I was up early to pack for home, get things organized for my classes, and going to an interview for the U.N. project. ( more on this in a sec)

By the time I was finished with everything, I was exhausted towards the afternoon and early evening. It was a good thing, though, as I was looking forward to a good nights sleep in my own bed at home that night.

I spent a better part of the night working on Critical Thinking homework, and decided to call it quits at about 1:30am. I felt tired. I looked exhausted. But for some reason, once I finally crawled into bed and crashed onto my pillow, I couldn't sleep. My body suddenly became restless and my mind was running 100 miles an hour. I got up a few times and walked around, played with the cat, and tried to talk some sense into my self, saying I should be sound asleep right now. It probably wasn't until a little after 4am when I dozed off, and unfortunately my alarm woke me up for 8:30am so I could go and work in my dad's office this morning.

This morning I was completely exhausted, tired, cranky, spacey, you name it. I worked in his office and then grabbed some lunch, and was looking forward to a hardcore afternoon nap. But really, if I had been so lucky I probably wouldn't be updating this right now.

I'm tired, I can feel it. I can't even hold my eyes open all the way. I know this will be disastrous if it doesn't stop, because I will either get so run down that I get sick, or I'll completely crash at about 6 or 7pm and be wide awake at 4am. I'm hoping I either a) fall asleep at this computer or b) can squeeze out atleast an hours worth of sleep fairly soon here to keep me running for the rest of the night, allowing me to go to bed at a decent hour AND wake up at a decent hour.

I think part of it has to do with the interview. Ever since I had it, I've been dissecting it and going over every detail in my head. ( I tend to do this quite often with things like interviews and presentations and certain people interactions for some reason...)

I told my dad this afternoon when he asked about it that "if it was anyone but the college, I probably wouldn't hire myself either after the interview." Because it's the college...and I'm a student there...and was recommended for the position by my adviser...I'm hoping that scored me a few points.
After breaking it down, I've determined there were a few factors involved. First, I was distracted both before and during the interview. I had so many things going on that morning and the days previous, that my mind wasn't completely focused on the interview and the job. That is my fault, and I should have taken more time beforehand to mentally prepare myself and get focused. But, the location they held the interview in was not the most "interview friendly", as the door was wide open to a high traffic area, and people kept passing by and entering and leaving the adjacent room. But, while I'd love to blame it all on that, I know I should have asked for the door to be closed and I shouldn't have let myself get distracted by the noise.

The other factor is that one of my weaknesses is talking about myself to strangers. It takes me a while to even open up about myself to my close friends. Just ask them. But, an interview is just that...selling yourself to the interviewer. As Howie told me when I saw him afterwards, "Honey, its the time for you to flaunt yourself and strut your stuff."

There were so many things I wanted to say, things I had thought about beforehand that apparently disappeared the minute I walked in the door. My fear and nervousness got the best of me, and I gave minimal answers, some of which I realize were pretty lame after thinking back on them. When they asked me what I could bring to the project, I said "I'm a dedicated person, I try to put 100% of myself into everything I do." Jesus Christ, how convincing is that? It's such a cop out answer...people hear that and say, "yeah....okay.That's what they all say." I made no mention of any marketing skills or previous experiences. Hell, I'm applying for a market research position and I've done hands on market research for some of my classes. WHY DID I NOT MENTION THIS? I give myself some credit, I did use the example of the Spinner Place Residence Hall Council, stating that I'm not one to sit back and just talk about problems, that I try to take action. I.e. SPRHC for res hall issues. I also told them that many times I naturally tend to step up and take a leadership position when in groups. I didn't completely bomb the question, but this was a great open ended question that provided a great opportunity to showcase myself....and I didn't.
They also asked me a question towards the end, something similar to "if you had all the technology available at your fingertips, how would you go about using it for this project". If you know me, you know I don't like making quick decisions...I'm usually the type that will take the information and stew on it for awhile, and then get back to you with my decision...even ifs an easy one to make...I just like to be able to think about things before acting. Unfortunately, I should have anticipated something like this and THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND. I knew about the project...I knew what they were looking for me to do...so whyyyyyyyy didn't I think about what I'd do with the project?

I'm an idiot.

I gave some dumb answer about how the internet is a useful tool and can provide you with a great deal of information and opens up communication, yada yada yada. The more I think about it, I don't think I even answered the question... I just rambled on, hoping I'd say something close. Along those lines, they asked me what I'd do while in Africa and how I'd make the most of my time there to gather information. Again, should have thought about this beforehand. I mentioned something about just learning everything there is to learn about the target market, their culture, their beliefs, etc... something about conducting focus groups....and something about having them play the games to see what their knowledge of the equipment is, where their skill level is at, and if there's any glitches in the game how that would be a good opportunity to catch them. Too bad I think she said the E-gamers were just developing concepts...I don't know if that means they're even going to HAVE something to test out at that point...I mean, they'd have to come up with an actual prototype in a month, a little less, as we'd be going to Africa the end of August.

Oh man. It will be a miracle if I pull this off.

I guess its good that I'm getting all this interview experience now, with this one plus all the ones I did for my internship. With every one I tend to review it over and over and over, thinking back to the questions, my answers, what I should have said, what I shouldn't have said, and how they reacted. But at the same time, I could have just blown an extremely good opportunity, one that would look good on a resume, give me a bunch of hands on experience, AND pay well. $11/hour, yo.

I think Amanda said it best when she said, " I wish interviews were set up differently...I wish they let you do a two minute or so elevator pitch about yourself and THEN started the interview, to give you time to say what you wanted to say about yourself." That way you could think about it beforehand and get in the key points you wanted to before you had to answer any questions.

So, what would I have said? I would have talked about how I've done first hand market research through my Consumer Behavior and Research class through the project we did for a start up web company. I would have talked about my people skills, and how I am confident talking to strangers and probing for information (aka PHONEATHON for 2 years.) I would have displayed that I had knowledge of marketing by freaking mentioning it during the "what would you do" scenario, talking about conducting primary research and using that, along with secondary research, in order to compile a detailed consumer profile and marketing strategy. I should have come up with some marketing ideas for the project, especially viral, and talked about how to spread it via the web, word of mouth, social networking (a facebook and myspace application). What about connecting with other companies to have them promote the game? MTV does this with a game about the genocide in Darfur. What about a cell phone game? Hell, put it on a CD ROM and slip it in a cereal box, I don't know. I should have come up with ANYTHING to show that I was capable of thinking of thinking of these ideas. I should have also mentioned more about gaining a first hand perspective of the culture and the people while in Africa. Learn about their past, why they act the way they do. Learn the games they play now, how they interact with each other, their physical movements, their thought processes. Learn about their daily life and lifestyles,find out about any influences on them, and just talk to them in general to get a better understanding of who they are, what they stand for, and how the see the future. I did mention that the better they understand their consumers, the better they can market products to them....but I should have elaborated on that.

*sigh*. Well, there's not much I can do about it but wait until Friday or Monday when I should hear back. Then I'll either be jumping for joy or bawling, one or the other.

This will definitely be a learning experience, either way.

Now You're Out There Swimming In The Deep...

2008-07-16T01:11:00.002-04:00

Whoah, an update? Yes ma'am. Er, Sir. whichever. I just got back from working a shift at Blockbuster, which I did after interning from 9am-5pm. Strangely enough, I'm in that "I'm so tired but my body isn't ready to sleep" mode right now. So, I figured I'd update this and empty my brain a bit before sleeping.
So, what's been going on? Interning, working, watching a lot of movies, doing homework. That pretty much sums it up. This summer has been pretty low key borderline depressing, but I know I'll have accomplished quite a bit by the end. My internship with KSV is almost finished, my hours will be completed next week. It's going to be kind of sad, I've befriended a few people there. But, there's always Facebook I guess! It's been an experience, and I've learned quite a bit, not only about the industry but also about myself as well. It's good, as it seems I'm always on this endless journey to completely figure myself out. I'm also getting the hang of things at Blockbuster, things are almost smooth sailing. Its one of the few jobs I've had that I really don't mind working, or even going in on extra shifts...except when I've been interning all day, haha. But, it's good, I enjoy it. I hope to continue it through the school year on top of everything else I'll have going on. If I can't, then I hope they'll offer me the position again in Spring semester when I won't have as many things going on.

Other than that, things are still trucking along. Almost finished my internship class, just a few more assignments to complete for that. Then, I can focus my efforts on the Critical Thinking class I just started. I've finished the first week and I've learned that its going to be more rigorous than the internship class, but I know I can handle it. It keeps me busy.

Hmm, other tid bits... I was recently offered a chance to apply for a marketing position on a project for the United Nations through the college. It all happened so fast, I got the e-mail and within two days needed to have my resume and cover letter shipped off. Now, I have an interview tomorrow at 1:30pm. If I get it, it will mean working 20 hrs. a week during the rest of the summer, then 10 hrs a week during the school year until the end of December. It also involves a trip to Africa at the end of August, but I don't know how that will all pan out with RA training too....but I'll worry about that when I actually get the position. For now, I just have to prepare myself for the interview and take it from there.

Sorry, I'm a little scatter brained right now. Completely tired. But you know, I wanted to share one thought I was thinking about while at work tonight. There are times when you completely lose faith in people. You lose faith in the world around you. And, there are times when you wonder why you're even needed here, what your purpose in life is. But just when you think all is lost, others come along to prove you wrong. I like learning about people, always have. But I especially like learning about people who have a set goal in life, who can see the future and know its within their grasp. It's refreshing to know there are people out there who have dreams and goals, ones they've been working towards the better part of their entire lives. You realize there are good people out there. It's almost inspiring to a point, and you think, "hey, if they can do it, so can I." It made me think about my future, my goals, and what I hope to accomplish in the next few years.
I'm learning to do things that truly make me happy, and I often reflect on the things that made me happy in my past. I've realized that helping people ( even though many times it comes back to bite me in the ass) is really fullfilling to me. I enjoy making people happy, smile, laugh. It's probably why I like improv and theater...you can connect with the audience and bring them exactly what they're looking for...happiness, sadness, laughter, drama.
I also was probably the happiest working at the daycare. I miss it terribly. I loved coming from a hard day at school and just losing myself in the innocent, pure joy that was the kids. They didn't care who you were, where you came from; if you loved them, they loved you back. You create a unique bond with them, and I got to watch them grow and learn. Christ, it still almost makes me cry when I see one of them now and then and they still remember me, especially since its been a few years.

I also think I want to go into nonprofit marketing. Throughout my time at Champlain, I've learned that marketing and advertising are very powerful forces. I've learned the good that they can do, as well as the damage. And frankly, I don't know if I like where the advertising industry is going. I don't want to be the one that develops an even more intrusive pop up ad or flashing banner. I want to use my marketing skills to help those that really need it, that need to get their message out or need to reach out to the public for help. I want to help those that want to help others. It's made me happy in the past, and it warms my heart to see some of the good these non profit organizations do, especially for children. ( You should see me during the Kixx radio-thon for David's house, when they read the stories of past and current patients and families...I'm a wreck, seriously.)

And while sometimes I overlook it, I realize I've had one solid goal for many years now.
I want to be a mom. Not right now, of course- but in the future. I want to have a career that will allow me to provide for my kids. I want to teach them things. I want to support them. But most importantly, I really just want to love them with everything I've got. I've always said that my life isn't really mine. It's just a placeholder until I can give it to my kids, because that's exactly what they will be to me- my life.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, but I think I started to have a bigger realization in the past few years, especially because of the rocky relationship I've had with my own mother. I want to be everything for me kids that she wasn't for me. I got a taste of it when my brother moved in with my dad. He was only 9, and I was really the closest thing he had to a mother figure. I loved it though, and still do. I loved knowing I could be there for someone, that I was needed. It was interesting watching the relationship evolve from sticking up for him to schoolyard bullies, to making sure he had money to play with his friends, to talking about life goals and future plans. It's been hard, and scary. There were times I didn't know what to do, how to make everything better for him. And, there were times when I couldn't, as much as I wanted to. It changed over time as he got older and I went away to college and was no longer within arms reach of him, but I still look out for him. I know I'm not needed as much, and I'm afraid one day he'll no longer need me. But it still makes me feel good to know he looks to me for comfort after his first car accident and looks to me for support as he struggles to figure out who he is, what his future holds for him. And no matter what, I'll always be there for him. That's what moms are supposed to do.

I guess, what I'm getting at, is sometimes I forget that while I don't know what I'm going to do with myself in the future and it scares me. I feel like right now I should have my entire life planned out. But, I'm still looking towards the future, and I'm still making plans. And, although sometimes I forget about them, I do have goals, even if they're not that complex yet. I've had one goal I've steadily been working towards, and my plans are going to support that. I want to be successful, no matter what I do, and I want a job that is full filling; But ultimately I want to be a good mom, whatever it takes.

A friend said to me that he surrounds himself with motivated people, ones that are striving for success and have a purpose in life because it keeps him motivated to do the same thing. I think it's sage advice, and it made me think about my own life. Sometimes, you gotta cut those that are holding you back, the ones that are holding you down. You can't lose sight of your future, of your hopes and dreams- they're what keep you moving forward. And sometimes, when you lose faith in the world, you have to surround yourself with those that will restore it for you. Believe it or not, there are good people in the world. Sometimes, you just have to find them.

Well, I wish I had more profound thoughts or words of wisdom for you. But I'm not really that profound, probably never will be. Just a simple girl, trying to figure out who I am and what I'm going to do with my life. But I know one thing, I've got a great appreciation for all those in my life right now, and simply, I just love to love. I love to grow. I love to learn- about everyone and everything. So, if I know you, come chat with me and let me get to know you better. If I don't, well come and chat with me too. I'd like to learn about you, too.

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the silence,
all your secrets, will
raise their worried heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the deep...

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep...

p.s. "In The Deep" by Bird York from "Crash" is my new favorite song...BBuster's has it on their promo reel and it's grown on me.

Alright, I've rambled enough tonight. Goodnight.

Love the ones you love and pay it forward.

2008-07-05T02:03:00.003-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows I'm big on how much of an impact other people have had on my life. Family, friends, mentors, teachers, role models-- they've all had a piece of my heart. People make this world go around, they're responsible for love, loss, heartache, happiness, everything. I believe that everyone who has come into my life has helped to shape who I am today. I'm a patchwork of other people and myself. And I love it. Each person has brought to the mix a new story, a different view on the world, a new sense of self. I learn from others, I learn about myself from others; by studying others I subsequently study myself.
I'm also a big believer in letting others know how you feel, telling them how much they've changed your life, whether they know it or not. If someone has brought you happiness,changed your life, you should pass it on. You never know if or when its going to do the same for them.

I've tried to do this for quite a few years now. I like to let people know that they matter to me, that I'm thankful for them in my life. In high school, I wrote letters to all of my friends and gave them a CD of songs that meant something to me. I make slideshows of pictures for my friends, hoping to use the right combination of photos and songs to convey the same emotions I feel for them.

All in all, I just love to let other people know they're loved. I can still remember every time I got a handwritten note- in elementary school, in middle school, in high school, in college. There was just something special, something joyful about a personalized letter that made you feel loved. In fact, I have just about every note that's ever been given to me. Each one touched my heart, knowing that I was cared about at the time, that someone was thinking of me.
I think back on those feelings, and remember the pure happiness they brought to me. Now, I try and do as many nice things as I can, and let people know just what they mean to me every chance I get. My only hope is that my letter could possibly bring some happiness into their lives.

But there are times when I get disheartened, though. I really try and reach out to people and let them know I care about them constantly. And sometimes, I still feel forgotten about. Its hard when I try to maintain a friendship, to stay actively invested in a friendship and at the end of the day, I feel like I mean nothing more to them than the next passing Joe Shmoe. All the people around me mean a great deal to me, and sometimes I forget that sometimes, I don't mean the same to them. There are some people that I tried all year to be good friends with. I was truly interested in their lives; their successes, their morale. I gave them encouraging words when they were nervous, congratulated them when they succeeded, consoled them when they failed. I tried everything to build the friendship, with just the hopes that it would help them be happy. Yet, a year later, I feel like they don't even remember I'm there. Then there are some that I've tried to reach out to for years. I'm surprised when they even remember my name.

And its frustrating because I know that everyone thinks, feels, and act differently. Everyone displays their emotions differently. Not everyone is a complete sap, like me. lol. That, and I'm not really about acquaintances. I just don't do them. I like all of my friends to be close friends, so I do what it takes to learn about them and try to be involved. And there are some people that just aren't like that. They are perfectly happy with a thousand acquaintances and to leave it at that level. It's just a way of life. But you know, sometimes, you just want to know that your efforts are recognized. That's it. Just that someone realizes you're trying.

Sometimes, it hurts when you put out so much energy and kindness for a friendship, and you're left in the dark. Sometimes, I want to completely close out a friendship because its done nothing but drain me, and I wonder if its worth all the effort. There are times when I want to stop caring about everyone else. I want to be the person that just goes around saying "I don't give a fuck."
But in reality, I can't. I don't think I ever will; because even as much as it drains me at times, it makes me feel good to do it.

That, and I've said I was going to stop many times before, and never have. I probably never will because ultimately, I always want to let people know how much they've impacted my life and to thank them for making me--me.

The reason I bring this up is because over the past few weeks I was having a serious case of "FOMO" as my friend Tony calls it- fear of missing out. It looked like everyone was enjoying their summer, having an amazing time, and, well...I've watched a lot of movies with Amanda or by myself. Sometimes you feel like you got lost in the shuffle. You wonder if people actually enjoy your company or they're just nice to your face when you see them.

It's times like that that frustrate me and I get disheartened and want to stop caring about other people. And then I get to times like tonight which make me realize that it makes me feel good to spread happiness and love.

I've almost finished all my cards and letters for the seniors in the Improv troupe. At our very last get together, we had this moment towards the end of the night when everyone was saying goodbye. We stood in the middle of the street and hugged, saying goodbye, good luck, etc... It was at that moment, as I watched us all disperse and drive away, I realized that I might never see some of these people again. Ever. They were graduating and moving on to start their lives, and in a few years so will I. It was a sad and sobering moment for me.

I was standing there with a group of people that had started out as strangers at the beginning of the year and was now saying goodbye to my little improv family. I had shared so many laughs, so many good times with them. The time I spent with them really did make me truly happy. There were plenty of times I was running out of energy and reason to keep going and I would go to practice. I would laugh, laugh hard; almost to the point of tears. My insides would bubble and my heart would refuel. I would leave there feeling happy. It was a nice feeling. I don't think they'll ever know how much just their presence did for me.

And sometimes, its just nice to tell people when they've had such a positive influence on your life like that. You never know, it might bring a little happiness into their world as well. I'm thankful for all they did, whether they knew it or not, and it makes me feel good to be able to express my thanks to them. It might mean nothing to them; they might just crumple it up and throw it away. It might make them smile, it might make their day. I don't really know.

But I do know that it makes me feel happy to express my feelings in a letter, to design a card for them. Its times like these that show me I'll never truly stop caring, I'll never stop loving other people even if its not returned.

People have brought happiness to me, and I'm doing my part to "Pay It Forward." What they do from there is up to them.

Christ, this post has probably been really jumbled and confusing. That's the kind of thoughts you get from me at 3am. But to sum it up, here are some things I've learned:

1. Those in my life will always be important to me. Always.
2. I may never mean the same to them, and I've got to learn to accept it.
3. Sometimes I feel forgotten about, and as much as it frustrates me, I'll never stop what I'm doing- at the end of the day, its meaningful to me-- and that's enough.

So, walk away with this: love the ones you love. Its funny, I always hear this when someone dies, and the people close to them walk around proclaiming "love the ones you love, tell them they mean something to you. I wish I could have told them before it was too late.."

WHY WAIT? What's stopping you from telling those around you how you feel? Afraid of looking like a sap? Afraid that they won't feel the same towards you? Get in the boat, there's plenty of room. But I know deep inside, we all feel. We all hurt, we all cry, we all smile. There are plenty of people out there who will shy away from telling you how they really feel because they're afraid to open up. But secretly, it affects them. Everyone likes to be loved, to know that they're loved. Bring smiles to the faces around you, lord knows this world could use some happiness. Reach out to those around you. If they've changed your life, let them know. If they brought you happiness, let them know. Let people know that their life has meaning. Or one day, you're going to be saying the same thing...

"I wish I could have told them before it was too late...."

The glass was half full...until I drank it.

2008-06-28T02:36:00.002-04:00

It's funny, this was supposed to be the best summer of my life. Or at least I had hoped it would be. I figured hey, change of pace, change of scenery, friends living around me...this summer will be great. Don't get me wrong, it started that way. It gave me hope. Now it's almost July and I have nothing to show for it except logged internship hours and a few measly hours at Blockbuster. Oh yeah, and a handful of movies I've watched. My summer could be broken down into a movie listing. That's about it.

The change of pace? Yeah, unpaid internship hours and everchanging hours at Blockbuster.

The change of scenery? The view out the window is nice. Other than that, it's all I've seen of the city basically.

The friends? With the exception of Cyrilla( and Amanda of course), I haven't seen them. Their summer plans don't include me, obv. Funny, I remember reaching out and making plans with them earlier in the summer...

And, to top it all off, it's my dad's birthday this weekend. He's off gallivanting around lake Bomoseen with his girlfriend and my brother. I wasn't invited. It's weird, I can't remember the last birthday I didn't spend with him.

Doesn't matter anyways, I don't have the money to pay my bills and pay for the gas to get there and back.

Lovely.

Well, this has been a happy post. Sorry to be a downer. Hope you're all enjoying your summer.

I'll update with a happier post...at some point. Just not tonight.

Sunny Internship Skies Ahead

2008-05-15T10:10:00.003-04:00

I think the internship sun has just emerged from beneath the clouds. Phone interview with Kelliher Samets Volk today. Seemed like it went well, I have an in-person interview on Tuesday at 9:30am. *prays*

I need this internship. It's basically my last chance.

Well, except for my interview with PIEmatrix tomorrow. BUT, I'm hoping for KSV.....

Dear Internship Gods,
Please give me this. Hard work and dedication sacrifice to be made in your honor. Thanks.
Hugs and Kisses,
me

The smell of summer is in the air

2008-05-13T01:59:00.006-04:00

Forget a dozen roses; the key to my heart is definitely lilacs. I've always associated the start of summer with lilacs. I live for them. I just realized a few days ago that they've started to bloom, and can only squeal with excitement every time we drive by them. Today, as Amanda and I were leaving the library parking lot after running some errands on campus, I made her stop her truck and I barrel rolled out to grab a branch off of a nearby lilac bush. I spent the rest of the ride back to Spinner just smelling it over and over again.

The other day I was walking to the gym, just after sunset. Winooski was humming with excitement, and I couldn't help but smile as the sounds of laughter and distant barbecues drifted by me. But suddenly, a scent caught me off guard. It was refreshing, lovely. It was familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. But as I continued my trek, the scent continued, growing stronger, surrounding me with spring. Finally, as I approached the door, I looked over the the adjacent house and there was a bush of freshly blooming lilacs. It was a happy moment. :)

They're usually the first things that remind me that summer is officially on its way. Sometimes, I consider them the unsung flower heroes of the summer. They come in quietly, most times go unnoticed and quietly pass. Many people don't give them a passing glance, grouping them with other common bushes and shrubbery. But there's something magical about the way they can stop you in your tracks, even if you can't see them. You can't help but breathe a little deeper, absorbing all they have to offer. Sometimes, you don't give it another thought but for that one moment, they gave you a little bit of extra life within you.

They've always held a special place in my heart, not only for their external appeal but for the way they trigger so many memories within me, and I tend to have a horrible memory unless something triggers it. Growing up, we always had a long row of lilacs that grew along the edge of our property. I can still vividly remember how I would spend my afternoons releasing my inner tom boy, ripping down branches and cutting out small holes within the bushes to create forts within the lilacs; but at the end of the day, I would simply sit there and inhale deeply, breathing in the beautiful scent and thinking fun girly thoughts.

I remember when they would first begin to bloom, I would run out into the yard and begin to carefully tear the little branches, creating bouquets of lilacs. I spent day after day grabbing as many bunches as my little hands could hold and running into the house and filling every tiny drinking cup I had with water and placing them the flowers all over the house. I can even still remember the time my parents let me have some in my room. I placed a small cup on the windowsill with a single lilac branch. Every night I would open the window a crack and let the breeze waft the scent over me as I drifted off to sleep.

Then, one spring, a man came along and offered to buy some of the lilacs for a wedding. My parents agreed, and I can remember watching in horror from my bedroom window as he began to chop and butcher the bushes, collecting bucket after bucket of lilacs. I almost cried that day, convinced that they'd never grow back. A little pathetic, but hey, I was still a kid. It still falls under the cute realm. :)

Lilacs remind me of proms and prom season; for two years I remember watching the prom at the high school, wishing I was one of the lucky upperclassmen attending. Then, finally being able to attend my junior and senior years. Prom was special to me. For 364 days of that year, I was a tom boy. I hunted, I fished, I scaled archery courses, wrangled kids at the day care, and rolled with the punches, being the only female in the house. But for that one day, those few hours, I was able to dress up. I put aside the camo, weapons, and potty mouth; I was a woman. I was never really allowed to play dress up as a kid, to buy girly stuff. But for this one night, I could mimic all the Disney princesses I'd grown up watching. It was one of the few nights in my entire life that I'd ever felt truly pretty. I liked the way people looked at me, the way my family looked at me. The smiles I received. The way I was treated. As minuscule as it was to some people, its something I embraced and still cherish to this day.

And with one smell, that small flower brings back every emotion and every feeling. It's times like this that I wish they grew year round. There are some days that completely drain me to the last drop of energy, of happiness. And with one breath of lilacs, I could flash back to pure, summer happiness. True, uninhibited happiness. It's been a very long time since I've felt that way since.

Lilacs remind me of summer; of longer, warmer evenings. They bring back memories of running through the grass barefooted; of swinging from the maple trees and picking off the newly blossoming leaves. They meant being able to leave the house without a jacket on when heading to the bus stop in the mornings and opening the windows for that first gentle breeze. They signified cookouts and bonfires, late night family gatherings that made the neighborhood ring with laughter. They were the flowers I picked when I went on walks in the woods with my dad for just some "us" time. They were the reason I went through a brief "flower shop owner" stint in my ever evolving career aspirations. Sometimes, they acted as reminders that my brother's birthday was approaching on May 20th. They even meant graveside visits to relatives as we created bouquets to decorate the graves. They were forts, picture backdrops, hideaways, and "bases" for every childhood game we could dream up; they were decorations, retreats,and inspirations. When they bloomed, everyone had a renewed sense of life deep within their eyes, within their souls as if a new energy swam around them. In a household that always had a dreary and heavy cloud of worries and problems hanging over it, for a brief moment, they brought about the one thing I always prayed for for my family--love.

And now, as I spend my first summer in Burlington, away from my family, they signify home.

Overall, they symbolized life, in every sense of the word. They were new life, a splash of color variety among a palette of greens. They were energizing, uplifting. A subtle scent of beauty. And no matter how long or damaging the winter months were, they continued to grow, year after year relentlessly. They proved that no matter what, life could prevail. Just when it seemed like the winter months had you at the tip of their sword, ready to suffocate you with their never ending despair and desolation, a revitalizing breath was waiting. Life continues on, even when you begin to feel it never will. You can't always see it, and sometimes you forget its there. But you'll always find it. That renewed life will be there waiting. And sometimes, all it takes is a distant drifting reminder. For you, it may be something else.

For me, it's the lilacs.

They're life, they're love, they're beauty; they're a reminder that through every tribulation, happiness is right around the corner. They're a renewed sense of hope.

Sometimes, it's small things like that that keep me going from day to day, finding those simple joys of life that I truly enjoy.

This One's A Little More Personal

2008-05-08T01:16:00.007-04:00

This post is a little more personal to me. Instead of just chatting about the day's events ( there isn't much to report, anyway) I'd like to use this space to not only give you a small glimpse into my own life but also get something off my chest, something that's been bugging me for the past few hours.

First, a little back history without getting too detailed. It's a subject I rarely talk about; it's something that very personal and somewhat private to me. But I feel like you need some slight background just to understand the situation. I just ask one thing- don't judge me based on the information here. I've had people ask me, "How could you do that?" or "you shouldn't have taken the actions you did." I don't feel that anyone has the right to judge another person until they've lived through the situation. I'm not going into a great amount of detail, and I never will here. I don't even think some of my closest friends know everything that went on. So, I'm just asking that you read this with a neutral eye and know that the decisions I made in my past were well thought out decisions, and they happened for a reason. With that said, here goes.

My parents got divorced 7 years ago. It was an extremely messy divorce, to put it lightly. To make matters even more complicated, my brother and I haven't had a relationship with our mother for years now, our choice. When my parents separated, I went to live with my dad and my brother was forced to stay with my mom. It was probably the worst year of my life; I'd never been separated from him for more than a few days prior to that point. But after a year of fighting in court, my dad finally gained custody of him and he's lived with us ever since. From that point, we've never visited or really talked to our mother again.

So, ever since my brother was 9 or s0, I've been the only positive female influence in his life and probably the closest thing to a mother figure that he's ever had. I've loved every minute of it; I love watching him grow and learn and mature into the 16 year old man he is today. I've always watched over him;when we were kids, I was the one mouthing off to the playground kids who were calling him names, even if they were twice my size. When we grew up and were too old for the playground, I protected him from bigger matters. I always tried to make sure he was secure, healthy and happy, that he never missed out on any opportunity school or otherwise because of the situation we were in. Even now, I still call him and make sure everything is going okay, find out what's going on in his life, and of course, made sure he's getting his homework done. To put it bluntly, the kid is my life, hands down.

My mother writes an occasional letter from time to time to us; more so for control than for affection. Today, she wrote a letter to him, basically calling him a failure in life because of his current grades and his disinterest in higher education. She called him a failure. She said she was disappointed in him, that he wouldn't make anything of himself. Obviously, he was visibly upset over the words that had just been spat at him through this letter. When he told me about this, of course mama hen here was even more upset.

First off, I don't believe any mother has the right to call her son a failure. Ever. Especially a mother that hasn't talked to nor seen her son in 7 years. I think there's a definite line between a mother and a parent- the mother title is biologically yours; being called a "parent" is a different story-its more of a privilege. A conditional "right". It's yours until your actions cause you to lose it, at which point its never yours unless you earn it back. IF you earn it back.

In this case, she hasn't. Neither of us consider her a parent. She has no right to come in when she chooses to lecture my brother on his future, on his life, and she DEFINITELY has no right whatsoever to call him a failure. She doesn't know the first thing about his life- about his likes, dislikes, struggles, successes,setbacks, challenges, talents, or aspirations. She probably doesn't even know what he looks like. She has done nothing but caused turmoil and trauma in our lifes, and we've simply tried to move on, to get past everything. She's not invited to come into our lives and give her two cents whenever she chooses; it's not wanted and it never will be.

As you can probably tell, I was quite upset when I heard about all of this. I knew her words were carefully chosen, the perfect combinations to maximize the frustration and aggravation results. I've heard them before, I've been in his situation. If she wants to duel it out with me, that's one story. But attacking him- that's an entirely different battle. This kid has been through so much in his past lifetime that he's barely had a childhood. I've worked hard to comfort him and help him rebuild himself over the past few years, I will not let her shatter everything he's slowly put back together of his life with a few tainted words.

I tried to calm him down on the phone, reminding him that we have to use collect every stick in the road and use it as fuel to keep the fire inside of us burning, to never let things like this smother our hopes and dreams; that shouting a nasty words or throwing out some low-blow name calling will not solve the problem at hand. If anything, it's surrendering the fight. It's exactly what she wants.

But I could just see the light inside of him dimming. He's been told he can't all his life, when he's just needed a few people to stand there and push him along, to encourage him to keep going- he's capable of great things. Instead, with a few degrading words, the sounds of support that once rang through his heart were muffled. Only one word was playing through his mind: failure.

While his grades have always been a struggle, he's been far from a failure. His work ethic, aspirations, and passion for the outdoors far surpass his academics. He's always struggled through school, but he's never been dumb. Ask him how any question related to the outdoors, and he can probably talk your ear off for 5 minutes, providing you with information, fun facts, and catch and release techniques. He struggled with history in school, but ask him about history, engage him in conversation about the wars-the kid knows his stuff. Academics have never been his forte, but street smarts and "real world knowledge" are.

And he's probably been working just as long as I have, since he was in 6th grade, if not before. He's always worked hard, earned every penny of his money. Over this past summer, this 16 year old boy worked more hours than most full grown adults do, sometimes putting in a 50, 60+ hour work week. It wasn't any desk job, either. He did full out manual labor, apprenticing for a family friend who does carpentry and other related services. And even after all the time he spent working, he still found time (and energy) to spend time outdoors.

To top it all off, I know he's got aspirations for his future. I've listened to them over the years. They've ranged from opening his own business to owning a hunting and fishing guide service, to forestry, and his most recent one- going into the service. He even discussed joining a special section of the armed forces dedicated to search and rescue. I gained a great deal of respect for him when he made that decision for after graduation, even though deep in my heart I don't want him to go. When I graduated, I couldn't even decide where I wanted to go to college- I switched my schools before I even stepped foot on campus, and then still ended up transferring from there. I even changed majors a few times. I had no idea what I wanted to do- I still don't have any definite plans for after graduation. And here is this kid, who'll be turning 17 in a few days, who has his future planned out and is ready to make that commitment to the service. Even though I'll always see him as my baby brother, he's turned into a man in every sense of the word.

And if it takes every ounce of my being, I won't let anyone stand in between him and his dreams. Nobody will call him a failure. Ever.

He's never been one, and he never will be. The only thing he's ever needed is support, someone to let him know that the critics are wrong- he can do it.
And when he does, the rewards will feel that much more sweeter.

My two goals in life are simple: be a mom, and see my brother succeed in every one of his dreams. I'll do whatever it takes to help him reach those successes and shatter "failure" in every sense of the word. Period.

Sorry that was more of a rant, but thanks for reading. In closing, don't call anyone a failure simply because they don't get the best grades or they lack higher schooling. If you do, you're also calling all of these people failures....
http://www.angelfire.com/stars4/lists/dropouts.html

Think about it that way next time.

The sun is shining in more ways than one

2008-05-07T00:07:00.003-04:00

Just when I think I'm down and out, the sun comes out. Today I received a phone call from the Blockbuster in So. Burlington, and they're looking for someone part time to work 5pm-12:15amish. Not an ideal schedule, but I'll take anything at this point! So, we set up an interview for 2pm on Friday. Then, shortly after that, I got an e-mail from the marketing director at Kelliher Samets Volk, a leading marketing agency in Burlington, about a phone interview. So, I have a phone interview on Tuesday at 9am! I need to ace this one, I NEED this internship. If I don't get it, I think I'll have to pull out of the internship class because I have nothing else. Plus, KSV is a great company, well-known and well established with a clear mission statement and purpose. I know I'll learn a lot and feel like I'll truly get a great hands on experience if I get it.

Not going to lie, I was a little intimidated to submit my resume there. Let's face it, they're really good at what they do, and I feel somewhat unprepared for a marketing internship. I think part of it is that I haven't really had any hands on experience with marketing yet. I think the closest I've gotten is working with EatingWell over this past semester with Internet Based Marketing. I've created advertising for Subaru in Advertising class, but it wasn't anything real. And, I've done an international campaign for Poland Springs in International Marketing- but again, not real. It's like I'm pre-gaming for the real thing. :) Another part is that I'm a double major, therefore my schedule consists of a mix of graphic design as well as marketing classes. So, even though I'm going to be a "senior" next year, I'm just finishing sophomore level marketing classes, and this would be the equivalent of my sophomore marketing internship. But, I know that if I don't at least try, then it's a 100% chance I won't get in. At least now I have a 50/50 chance.

*crosses fingers* if all goes well, I'll have a job and an internship in the next week or so!

On the home front, the apartment feels more like "home" now that there's more in my bedroom than just a bed frame. I finished painting over the green on the three walls and even added a bit of "spunk" to the walls I was originally going to leave white. I'm almost finished moving stuff in and my walls are decorated with shelves and pictures and nic nacs that make the place, well, "me." I'm happy with the way it turned out. Now to just finish moving everything in!

I'm praying that everything falls into place, it would allow me to breathe a big sigh of relief, seriously. I didn't want to feel bad about my decision to stay here this summer, and I especially didn't want to disappoint my dad. It's been a bit of a financial strain not only to make sure I could stay here this summer, but also college in general over the past few years, and I always feel horrible when I need to call home and ask for money for books or classes and such. I've been working since I was in 6th grade, and I like to be able to pay for all of my stuff. Sometimes, its just not possible though and I need to call home. And I know, know, sometimes its been a juggling act to front the money, but my dad's always found a way to help me, even if it means him working more hours. I guess when it comes down to it, I want to do well and succeed to say thank you for all the help he's given me;I just want to make him proud. :)

I e-mailed financial aid today about setting up an appointment to meet with someone about loans and a computer, but never received anything back so I'll make a voyage over there tomorrow to get things straightened out. I was nervous at first because it was looking like we were going to have to pay about $600 out of pocket, and I almost cried when I had to call home to ask my dad for the money. But then I found out if I registered for two classes, I qualified for financial aid, and based on the quote they gave me, it looks like I'll be able to pay off all of it PLUS get my laptop. I wanted to meet with someone in person though to make sure that EVERYTHING was taken care of for the summer and for next year. I didn't want another Lyndon experience where I was getting a bill every other week for different amounts and being told I needed to pay them immediately. It became a constant worry for me, wondering every time I went to the mailbox if I was going to have to scrounge up some money or not. Luckily, I'll be an RA next year as well, so that knocks a few grand off of my bill for my housing. If all goes well, I'll come out of this two summer classes, a full year of schooling and a new laptop ahead of the game! ( I even started pricing laptops on apple today, it was exciting.)

The possibilities are floating there, but if they all fall into place I'll be one happy girl! Hopefully this will be a sign of good things to come for this summer!

The Days Tick By.

2008-05-06T02:29:00.002-04:00

The paint is fixed. I couldn't take the vibrating effect anymore, so I went out and purchased a different, lighter color to paint over the green. It's definitely much better now and I'm happy with it. Now, I can start moving in, finally!

In other news, the internship search is failing miserably. I've applied to PMG Creative, Green Mountain Coffee, and Magic Hat, and I just sent off two resumes to KSV and Spike Advertising. PMG sent me an e-mail a few days ago informing me that they had found someone better suited for the position ( talk about a kick in the pants.) but e-mailed my roommate and set up and interview with her for tomorrow. Then, after calling around Green Mountain one woman finally called me back only to tell me all the positions were full. I was quite disheartened, as this was the internship I was banking on for the summer- it was a full time, paid internship. I'm still waiting to hear back from Magic Hat, and I'll hopefully hear back from KSV and Spike within the next few days. I'm down to the wire, the class starts next week. If I don't find one, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Part of me wants to continue to stay in the class with the hopes that I'll find one. But, I need to have 2 classes to continue to qualify for financial aid, and I can't risk pulling out of the internship class too late and not being able to get into another class.

And, I can't commit to a job until I have an internship so I can set hours.

For someone who always strives for success, this perpetual rejection hurts. I take it personally, even when I know I shouldn't. It's just part of the work force. I guess I just need to stay positive and hope that this week brings some good news.

In other news, over the past year I've been fighting with the insurance company and the hospital to cover charges for some testing I had done last summer. I had set up a payment plan, and then my dad paid a bill that I thought was the remaining balance of the one I was slowly paying off. But, after receiving a letter today that I was going to be put into collections, I called the hospital to find out what the status was. Apparently, the insurance company never received claim forms for the doctor visits, and therefore sent a bill to my dad for that. But, I guess there is a different billing system for the testing area, and that was the bill I was paying off. When I stopped paying it, assuming that my dad had covered it, they threatened to put it into collections. Luckily, I got everything straightened out today, and will still be able to submit the claim forms for the doctors visits and even get my dad's money refunded, which always helps relieve some stress when I can give him BACK some money. =D So, I'll continue paying the bill and get that paid off, and hopefully will get this ordeal taken care of once and for all. It's all about relieving some of the stress, little by little.

On a happier note, I found out that I can get loan money for a mac laptop, something I definitely need ( and want, of course) especially with being an RA next year. This past year even though it was inconvenient, I could always run to the lab and stay there until the wee hours of the morning to get projects done. As an RA next year, I know I won't have that freedom, and I was truly stressing out as to how I was going to be able to get my graphic design work done. But, if I can get everything to go through smoothly, I'll be able to pay for my classes this summer, purchase a mac computer, and still be able to take out enough loans to pay off next year's bill. Luckily RAs get housing for free, so that saves me some money, too. :)Now it's time for bed to rest up for conquering financial aid tomorrow to chisel away at this stress.

I'm bound and determined to take care of everything I need to so that I can truly enjoy my summer here in Burlington and make staying here all worth it.

My Eyes are Tingling.

2008-05-04T16:49:00.002-04:00

*sigh*. I don't know. I've moved in half of my stuff into my room. I liked the color last night, but today it just seems to be vibrating my eyes and it's straining; I have a headache right now and I have a sinking feeling its from the way the colors work in this room. I don't know what I'm going to do. In one boat, things could change once I get things on the wall. In another, they could not and I could be miserable.

I really don't want to spend more money on paint- especially since I don't have a job right now.

But, getting daily headaches is not an option, either.

*facedesk.*

I don't know. I just know I better figure it out soon.

509-1=508!

2008-05-04T00:41:00.002-04:00

I am exhausted, sore, disheveled, injured, and covered in green and orange paint-- but I have officially moved into 508.

I don't know if I mentioned it in my last post, but Amanda and I are staying here for the summer, so we needed to move into the apartment we are living in for the fall. And, since we're both RAs, we're moving to 508 as all the RAs live in the '08 apartments.

It's been an exhausting process, even if it was just one apartment over. I never realized just how much stuff we have! We've been so anxious to move all week, and yesterday we met Rodney in the hall who offered to unlock our apartment for us so we could start moving. Excellent! But, before we moved, we wanted to get some painting done. We started with Amanda's room, as she had a clear idea of the color she wanted for her wall. With a pillowcase to match the color, we set off in search of orange paint. A little while later we returned with a gallon of Sunburst Orange. It sure was a ballsy move, I don't know if I could have committed to that color! But, once we got it painted, it looks great, I'm happy with it and I don't even live in there.

We finished the second coat and then began to make trip after trip, back and forth from one apartment to another until around 4am. It was later than we intended, but we had gotten into a good groove and wanted to keep going so we could be completely moved out at a decent time today.

I ended up going to bed around 4:30 and then woke up this morning around 10:30ish to begin round two of moving day. After a few hours of making trips back and fourth, running around the building to look for a dolly, moving a tabletop, piano, and mini fridge without a dolly (obviously we were unsuccessful at finding one), and cleaning from top to bottom of 509, we can now officially call 508 home.

Unfortunately, it doesn't feel like home yet. Our stuff is scattered all over the apartment, including the living room, kitchen, and the two extra bedrooms we have until the end of August. but it's mainly because of the decorating in progress. I'm even sleeping in one of the extra rooms at this current moment because my room is under construction. I wanted to paint my room yesterday, but I was really unsure of a color and I wanted to be sure before I painted. I picked up some paint swatches in different colors so I could look at them within the room. I even installed my curtain rod and curtains yesterday, and today I laid out my comforter on my mattress so I could compare the swatches to everything.

And now, after a few hours of painting, my walls are a nice shade of Shamrock Green. I love them, especially with my blue curtains and dark pink comforter. Now, I can't wait to just start moving things into my room tomorrow.

Wow, I truly am exhausted. I can't keep my thoughts straight and I need to keep deleting sentences and words that don't make sense haha.

So, I've spent the weekend painting orange and green walls, moving furniture around, getting a nice gash on my foot from a bed frame, and transferring an entire apartment into another.

I had more to say, but quite frankly, I can't even remember what it was. My brain has shut down for the night, and I think I'm going to follow it's lead. I'll elaborate more tomorrow when I can stay awake longer. ;)

Make Room In the Bandwagon...

2008-05-02T02:14:00.000-04:00

Make room in the bandwagon, I finally gave in and created a blog. I didn't do it though, just to ride the blog craze. I've actually been thinking about it for quite some time. I've been LJ'ing for quite some time, but I tend to use that for more personal thoughts, feelings, and writing. It's not an address I like to give out to the casual blog reader, I keep it more for me and my close circle of friends already on LJ. But, I enjoy going back and reading previous entries from years ago to see what I was doing, how I thought back then.

I thought this blog would be a good way to:
a) help me remember what I did over the next year or so. Not only because I have a horrible time remembering things (ask my friends, they'll attest to this.) but also because this year marks a handful of firsts for me. This year for the first time:

1) I'll have 2 roommates I don't know. ( first time since freshan year.)
2) be an RA.
3) live away from home for the summer in Burlington.
4) marketing internship this summer.

And, next year at this time, I'll hopefully be able to look back and read about all the things I've done and actually remember some things. God, I hate this flaw, seriously.

Also, I realized lately that I don't write anymore- at all. There are a few scattered poems, stories, and reflections in my LJ, but not nearly as much as I used to have in high school. Hopefully, forcing myself to write in this blog regularly will stir up the creative juices within me and I'll rile up some inspiration.

I also hope it will indirectly help people get to know me better. It's pretty hard for me to divulge my true personality to people other than my close friends, and I don't really talk about myself unless you ask me. And, if I feel like you're not really interested, I'll close right back up. It's just how I am. But, a journal allows me to open myself up slightly without having to worry about the reader's attention span. If you're interested, you'll read it. If not, you won't. There's no hurt inflicted on me.

Lastly, it allows me to collect my thoughts and put them down in an organized manner. My continuous goal in life is to truly discover who I am, and what I'm about. Placing my thoughts down on electronic "paper" and reading them later with a fresh eye allows me to get a better understanding of myself. Sometimes I see things in a new light or from a different perspective. I'm able to analyze situations and the actions I took. I've discovered new things about myself; new likes, dislikes, personality quirks, pet peeves, aspirations, challenges, successes, failures, and just overall qualities that make up Me.

So, with all of that said, here's the maiden voyage on the ship of perpetual reflection...all aboard...

It's May 1st. Well, since its 2:30am, May 2nd. But for all intents and purposes ( and since I haven't gone to bed yet) it's the very first day of May. What better day to start a blog?May signifies the starting gates for summer, rejuvenation of life, and the end of April showers and beginning of May flowers. Well, hopefully.

It also marks a week since I've been officially finished with school for the summer. It was a haul; the last week I think I spent every night in the lab either editing video or swimming in InDesign for a magazine re-design. But, it was worth every hour of work when the final products were finished. And, now that I'm finished, I'm in what I call the "floating stage."

For someone who's had a constant job since she was 12 years old, it feels weird not to have a job right now. I never realized how much I worked until I spent the last week sitting here without a job. But, despite my work history, the job application process is a new thing to me, sad to say. I've always gotten my jobs through word of mouth, or through a family/friend connection. Except for working at the daycare, I've known all my bosses before they actually became my boss, too. My first job as a camp counselor in 6th grade was for the middle school I was attending; in a school of 200 kids, every teacher and faculty knows you pretty well. For 2.5 years after that I worked for the local full service gas station that my family had been going to for years. The boss remembered me from when I was just knee high to a grasshopper. Then, after that I found out about the daycare position through a friend who had been working there, who's aunt was also the assistant director there. Easy peasy. I got a temp job as an elf at the mall (yeah, I was an elf. =D ) through the parents of one of the children at the daycare. The mother worked at a photography studio in the area, so I had a few small things through her as well. Then, I worked off and on for my dad at his insurance agency as well as a painter for one of his clients (and a good hunting buddy of the family). And, one of my dad's old flames asked me if I wanted my most recent job last summer. She was also, coincidently, the boss. Sounds like a potential awkward situation, but really, everything was fine.

The only job I did have to apply to was for my school position as Phoneathon ambassador. But, I don't really consider this a "real" application process, really. Wow, and now that you pretty much know my entire employment history, let's move on...

So, needless to say, this is my first time "blindly" applying to corporate and retail job positions. It's also put me in the same boat for internships. Submitting cover letters and resumes, not knowing the people I'm contacting for job positions, playing the waiting game to hear back from employers- all new to me, unfortunately. I've applied to Blockbuster in 3 locations, as well as e-mailed about the availability of a few on campus jobs and one Final Cut Pro job. Not sure if I have enough experience for what they were looking for, though. I've submitted applications to two internship places and interviewed from one, but still waiting to hear back from both businesses.

The sticky part of the situation is that one internship, if I was hired, would be a full time, paid internship. Therefore, eliminating the need for a job. But, I can't put all my eggs in one basket, so I'm applying to other, non-paying internships. This means I'd need a job, as well-one that was flexible with my internship hours. And to top it all off, as the start date for the internship class approaches, I've learned one thing- you need to start this damned process much earlier than this.

*facedesk*. Live and learn, I guess. I'll just keep applying to jobs and internships...one of them has got to get back to me eventually, right? I hope so.

When not submitting applications, resumes, and cover letters, I've been working on some housekeeping issues, tying up loose ends here and there for the school year, and getting my financial aid in place. I also registered for the internship class, and discovered that I was eligible for financial aid if I enrolled in one more. So, this summer will consist of Interning AND Critical Thinking. whoo. After last summer's experience with online classes, I refused to take a history. If you are not a fan of history (like me) you definitely won't be a fan of taking it online.

Staying here for the summer also means that Amanda and I need to move into our apartment for next fall on Saturday. We've been working hard on packing up all of our junk, which is a considerable amount- after you've lived in Spinner in for two years, you collect quite a bit. Plus, when you move stuff and pack it up, you fully realize how much you NEED to clean. I'm sure much more of this will happen tomorrow and Saturday when we can move some of our stuff over to the new apartment, but we've gotten a head start on it.

I'm considering this a fresh start. Condensing all of my stuff into boxes and storage bins gives me a fresh new canvas to work with. And, after living here for 2 years, this year will be the first time I've had a different room. Even though I've lived in 2 separate apartments, I've always had the same letter room, meaning the exact same layout. And, the way it's designed, the re-arranging possibilities are very slim to none. I'm excited to be able to actually MOVE the furniture around this year.

I'm hoping the summer will give me enough time to truly refine my organizational skills. I worked on it this year, although its admittedly still pretty poor. My Myers-Briggs test was right- I enjoy being organized, even though I rarely am. It's why I've always enjoyed the first two weeks of school- my organizational systems are still in place. After that, you're lucky if you can find my desk amongst the clutter. But, this year I feel its especially important, not only because of the RA position but also for my mental sanity. I'll be juggling my school work, the RA position, maybe a second job on campus, as well as extra curricular activities such as the improv troupe and Champlain theater. If I'm not organized, I don't know where I'm supposed to be from day to day. Look at my calendar, you'll understand. Really. But, I'm already coming up with fun things that will keep me organized next year-ideally. I want to invest in some dry erase or chalkboard paint (yeah, they actually have these!) to create my assignment squares and a memo board for myself. As I said before, I have a horrible memory problem. If I don't write it down, chances are I'll forget it in the next few hours. This will help me keep my assignments on track, as well as long term assignments and upcoming events/activities/rehearsals and whatnot. I want to get more plastic drawers for under the bed and under the desk storage for my increasing art supplies collection. This will get it out of my way AND keep it organized. I also want to get a bulletin board for all of the nic nacs and other personal items I collect over the year. In the past, I've just tacked or taped them to the wall, and towards the end of the year it just becomes a scattered eclectic mess. My theory is, if the entire space around me is organized, then it will encourage me to be too. This means a unified AND organized design scheme, as well. We'll see how it all goes though. Like I said- come looking for my desk after the first two weeks of school to test out the system.

Wow, it's 3:30am. This has been a long post. They probably all won't be this long. A) I won't have as much to say and B) I won't have the time to write all this. But, I want to work hard to maintain this. I'll be thankful later, I know it. So, I'll close today with a quote from C.S. Lewis:

"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement."

I'll take this as every rejected or ignored job/internship application means that the big'un is just waiting around the corner.....I hope! Eeks, wish me luck.

P.s. the domain name will probably change as soon as I think of something better. Stay tuned.